Tag Archives: waiting

Little Girl Faith

Luke 18:15-17

Jesus Blesses the Children

          One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering him. Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”

???????????????????????????????With open arms Jesus stands waiting for us to enter into His love, why are we so stand offish?  It says for us to come unto Him as little children, what exactly does this mean?  Well the answer is simpler than you think.  It means running towards love and embracing it  with no fear, no judgement, no wondering if we will be rejected and in complete trust that the arms will stay open until we are safely in them.  That is how simple His love is, so why do we make it so complicated?

My husband and I went to a local church tonight to watch an Easter play.  It basically began at Genesis and ended at Revelation and showed the love of God from beginning to end, things I have already learned and seen in my walk yet one part in particular just grabbed my heart and brought tears to my eyes.  I could hardly see the scene at times through the tears which flowed as I watched Jesus pick up this little lame girl, heal her and set her back down.  He had healed her.  What joy flooded my soul!  Later in the same scene He is dancing with her and enjoying her company…let me get real with you and tell you what this did to my spirit…..

This scene first took me to a place of complete rest in Jesus.  As I saw Him take that little girl from her fathers arms I could see that little girl was me.  As He held me close to His chest and prayed over me I was brought back to the many times where I had resided in the arms of Jesus just receiving my healing.  Secondly when they were dancing I felt so much joy and it showed me just how easy it is to accept Jesus and His love for us.  If only we could humble ourselves enough to run to open arms of Jesus everyday.

I encourage you to close your eyes after reading this and begin to imagine what it feels like to be held in the arms of Jesus.  Even if you feel you do not deserve it, press in.  Even if you feel you don’t have enough faith, start running.  When you see Jesus standing before you, know that He is real and means no harm.  It is safe there in His arms.  Run to Him, He is patiently waiting your arrival.

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Are We There YET?

Hebrews 12:1

God’s Discipline Proves His Love ] Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.
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Ever been in that moment where you just want to get where you are going and don’t want to do all the stuff in between?  Like I want to be a published author but the steps to get there seem almost impossible.  Take for instance the writing, the editing, the financing……..all the necessary steps which need to be completed before the goal is accomplished.  I have been dreaming of being a writer since I wrote my first poem in kindergarten.  I loved arranging words and having them take on a whole new meaning.  As I grew up I learned how to convey my emotions through mere words and I found great excitement in doing so.
At this point in my “career” I would like to be writing for a Christian magazine or something bigger than just this blog.  I aspire to have writing about the things of God be my full time work….yet here I am with just this blog.  I often wonder what God is doing.  I thought by now the books would be published.  My plans obviously are different than God’s.
So let’s put this into perspective for a moment….I have dreams and aspirations for my life, but God has already planned everything out, so why I am even trying to figure this out?  In Jeremiah 29:11 it clearly states He knows the plans He has for our lives.  We should be willing to let it all go and trust that God has it all taken care of.  If we could just wake up in the morning and look up the heavens and say, “Here I am Lord, what’s on the agenda for today?”
I trust God with all my heart and I know He will give me the desires of my heart because He is the one who placed those desires in our hearts in the first place as our Creator.  I know I just need to relax and go with the flow as God sets up things for me that I can’t even see.  I have had the pity party.  I have stood behind the brick wall wondering why I can’t move forward.  I have done everything possible to move myself forward only to come to discover that I will not be moved until God has made the way……..ya know that patience thing.
“So here I am Lord, waiting to move.  Show me today where we are going.  I choose to take Your hand and lead me into the adventures you have already planned for me.”

How Long Will it Be?

Psalm 119:81

 I am worn out waiting for Your rescue, but I have put my hope in Your word.
Psalm 69:3

I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping,waiting for my God to help me.
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I have been blogging a bit about giving it all up and carrying luggage around.  I have shown how these things work in my life and now I am moving forward step by step, little be little into the realm of my destiny just like God promised me.  How long did this take….hmmmmm..YEARS!  I went through some experiences and had some valley walks which made me stronger in the Lord and more at peace than ever before.  Sometimes we get caught up on the how long God? and the when it is gonna happen Lord? that we can’t wrap our minds around what is going on.  We live in a now society and sometimes we think God should be that way all the time too!
When we are surrounded by our life and it is not going so well, what are we doing to change our circumstances?  How do we change our positions so that God can actually work on our behalf?  Why do we think that it is always God that needs to do something?  Perhaps we fail to realize that things sometimes just take time.  Maybe there are other factors which are related to your circumstance that you cannot see.  Let’s just use my past marriage as an example.
I stood by my husband year after year wanting things to change.  When he stopped drinking I was excited until I saw what drugs was beginning to do to him.  Man, I felt stuck so what did I do?  I quit on God.  Yup, gave Him up like it was Lent and I was fasting something I really needed!  I was willing to give up the one thing that would get me out of the mess I was in just for the sake of trying to keep my family together.  I was in a place where I felt guilty that I had chosen against God’s will.
So how did things change?  Well for one it still took time for my miracle to occur.  I had to position myself with God again and as soon as I realized that I needed God, He began to change me, not my situation.  So many times we just want a quick fix and do not realize we might have been part of the problem.  We expect God to fix those problems in our lives, not seeing that we are the ones in need of fixing as well.  As God begins to heal your brokenness , He starts showing you the people and circumstances that you need to forgive.
With me the startling factor in the working of my miracle was that I needed to forgive myself.  Yes, myself.  I had to realize that I was beating myself up daily for the mess I had gotten in to.  Once I decided to forgive me, that is when things began to change.  I was able to receive God’s love.  I was able to forgive people in my life.  I was able to love again because I was beginning to love myself.
Are you waiting for God or is He waiting for you?  Are you wondering when your miracle will happen or if it even will?  I challenge you to stop looking at your circumstances and trying to figure out what God will do next or when He will actually move on your behalf, instead, look at you.  Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to let some luggage go?  Do you need to stop giving in and start giving up?  What is your next move, God is waiting to see what you will do.

Do Not Disturb

Psalm 78:23

But He commanded the skies to open; He opened the doors of heaven.
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How many of us are waiting for God to do something?  How often do we just plunder through doors thinking we have the right way to go when in reality God has something better waiting for us if we just become patient in His presence and wait on Him.  Of course we have all heard at some point or another, “Are you waiting on God or is He waiting on you?”  It’s the age old question and here is the answer I found in the Bible:  Isaiah 30:18

[ Blessings for the Lord’s People ] So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for His help.  We have to seek God out for our desires but then we must wait on Him before we move.
Wow! What a fresh revelation to see as I am writing this very blog.  The reason I wrote on the subject of doors and patience is because tonight I was given a prayer about 5 doors being set in front of me and I am just waiting.  I know what is behind each door and I have the freedom to choose which one I will open.  They are all good and will lead to God, however, I am patiently waiting for God to choose just the right door for me.  He is honored by my patience.  It was a pretty cool word to have spoken to me and I knew right away what it pertained to, my books.
I have been at a standstill for quite some time concerning the publishing of my books and I could probably come up with a hundred schemes on how to get them published by now, but I am waiting on God. In my standing and waiting, $800 has been provided and I know there is more provision to come.  I know that I cannot rush this.  I am also secure in God enough to know He has a much better plan behind whatever door He opens than I do.
I know it never seems easy to wait.  I personally never considered myself to be a patient person, however, looking back at my life, I guess I have been.  I have stood in places of my life where others would have ran far away.  I have chosen not to move when I easily could have made my own choices and gone off the deep end.  I see a pattern now looking back, the more I just waited for God in my circumstances, the greater the reward.
Now here I am standing with these five doors set before me and I will continue to lay it all down in surrender and allow God to open the perfect door for me.  I am placing Do Not Disturb signs on each of the doors so as not to be tempted to open them up just to see what the possibilities are.  What are you waiting on God for?  Have you even brought it to His attention and sought out His grace?  What would you do if you had the choice to open the doors?  Waiting on the Lord is never easy, especially with this free will of ours, yet the reward is so much greater when we allow the Creator of our life to move us in the direction of our destiny.

Vowed Before God

Matthew 19:8
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended.

Sigh, this is a tough blog to write because I know everyone has a different view point on marriage and why people stay together.  I have been wrestling with this for awhile now, yet I know in my heart exactly where I stand.  I know where God stands.  I just do not know where my husband stands at the moment.  I have gone through so many changes in three years that sometimes I even amaze myself with the changes and the reactions I have to things which once bothered me greatly.  Yet it seems as if my husband has done no changing and to the outside world the situation looks hopeless as can be.  Not for me, in prayer, God promised me the restoration of my family and God has yet to fail me.

Let me share some background before I solidify where I stand.  I met my husband while at work.  I had been away at a McDonalds class and when I came back he was the manager who had taken my place so there would be enough workers while I was gone. (he worked at a different location) He had asked me for my phone number and I made him guess all of the numbers, I wanted to be sure he was interested enough to go through the hassle.  Soon we spent day after day together, as a matter of fact before we were separated we had seen each other every day since the first day we met. (of course that’s another story)

Anyways the point I am trying to make is that the man I met in the early days when we would talk for hours while sitting in a 24 hour restaurant after work, is the man I am waiting for.  I fell in love with the man I got to know while he was sober and when I found out the bad things about him, I just figured I could change him.  Of course, I now know that only God can change people, I can’t and this is what I am waiting for.  God has this already planned out, He knows the next move and He surely is prepared for whatever my husband does.  I am faithfully waiting for my husband to find God again in his life.  I am standing here still waiting after three years because I have hope in God, not my husband.

The Bible states marriage cannot be broken unless someone cheats and I know people keep saying the fact about grace and God would not persecute me for choosing to divorce my husband but in all reality, I don’t have the desire to do so.  My husband knows where I stand and that God is first and foremost in my life and until he is on the same page, we would drive each other crazy.  I am content to remain married even when others just do not see the sense in it.  I am standing beside God and He is changing me and molding me into the destiny He has already planned out for me.  I truly believe even though I made some strange choices, God is turning all of this to good.

Lastly, I can only imagine the grand testimony that will come when my husband decides to follow after true love, Jesus.  As for now, I will just press into God.  I will strive to learn the things I need to and continue to allow God to be my provider and even my Husband.  I am content and I am focused.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think upon my husband.  I miss him terribly and I am waiting with such expectancy from God.  He is my husband, the father of my children and the man I vowed before God to love and cherish until death do us part.  So much of me is still in love with the man who sat across from me at a restaurant table pouring out his heart and soul and dreams to me.  I made a vow and God made me a promise.

Until God Says So

Hebrews 13:4
Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

Until death do us part.  To love and to cherish.  To honor and take care of.  Divorce is not an option.  Let no man put asunder.  Vows. Vows. Vows.  Does anyone really pay attention to one of the most important parts of wedding ceremony?  Do the words really have any meaning anymore?  Does anyone even seem to understand the reality of getting married? By the numbers on the divorce rating sheets, I would say not.  I may seem a little bitter as I write this blog, however, it has just happened to me personally one to many times in the recent past.  If you all have read my Day of Deliverance story, then you know where I am standing in my marriage.  I am waiting for my husband to heal and to become whole again.  I have not abandoned him as some have said, I just know I am an enabler and with me in the picture at this moment, nothing will be truly healed in him.

On June 6th, 1992 I married a man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with.  I distinctly remember as we were writing our own vows out that the pastor came to me and ask if I could rewrite my vows to include something about God.  Do you know I forgot?  He had to “ad-lib” God into my vows as we were standing at the altar.  I guess I was so wrapped up in too many other things to realize God needed to be the center of our marriage, not the dress or bridesmaids, reception or flowers or how many people would attend.  As I stood at the altar with my new husband and my 4 month old son lighting the unity candle, I have to admit God was probably the furthest thing from my mind.  I was not any where near to God as I am now and it makes me a little bit sad to write that.

As the months turned into years of turmoil, my marriage really had no meaning.  Our relationship had become nothing but  yelling and screaming matches and a fight for daily survival.  There was no love at the end.  No desire to even make amends at some points.  I was so tired of being the stable one in the relationship by working full time and taking care of the kids, there was no time left to actually be in love.  My marriage was gone, yet I did not feel compelled to seek a divorce.  Then, after the suicide attempt and the separation, I still had no desire to file for a divorce.  And here I am almost three years later, still standing by my husband’s and I choice not to divorce.  God dislikes divorce and I am choosing to do everything in my will power to make this marriage work.  After all, somewhere in that man over there is the person I fell in love with and I am so in love I am willing to wait it out.  My husband is broken and God is the only one who can fix the things that hurt.

Now before everyone gets in an uproar, I know there are certain circumstances which lead couples to end their love lives in divorce.  I am not saying that staying together is the answer for everyone, but I certainly feel as though God needs to be a HUGE part of that decision.  I am still waiting for my husband to heal and unless God tells me in some HUGE way to file for divorce, I intend to stay right here.  Now, to further this statement, I am remaining faithful to my husband. Why?  We are not separated to “explore other options”.  We are not “free to date” other people.  We are in a period of healing.  Why can the world not see that?

I know there are others who live in different countries who have because of their cultures feel it is okay to have multiply relationships and I get that, however, when a girl says no, she means no.  I am content as I am right now.  I do not need a man in my life to make me happy.  I too am in a healing process and need this time of separation to get myself back on the right path.  I am married to Jesus at the moment and He will take care of all my needs until God leads my husband and I back together.  I am standing my ground and the ideals of this world will not draw me into their schemes.  I have been faithful to my husband from the day I married him and I have no plans to change that status in my life.

So, in conclusion, yes my status says I am separated.  I am still married to my husband of 20 years and until God says so, this will remain true.  I do not desire a relationship with anyone, mine is complicated enough.  I have enough things going on in my life such as trying to publish a book, keep up with my kids, work full time in a restaurant as a manager and trying to get my Mary Kay business off the ground.  God stepped in almost three years ago and separated my husband and I so that we could both have a time of healing, who am I to say what we should do?  If God dislikes divorce, I assure you He has everything under control and I am willing to wait for as long as it takes. I am willing to wait for restoration.