Tag Archives: separation

Shakin’ the Duck

Psalm 33:22
Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.

I am sure you have heard of ruffling some feathers, well, in a moment I will be shakin’ the whole duck!  I want to express how I feel about relationships and marriage and in the process, be blunt and to the extended point.  It possibly goes all the way back to Adam and Eve but since I am not from that part of time, I can only speculate and I want to be accurate.  I have no desire to rock anyone’s’ boat or attack anyone’s relationship and most of all, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…HOWEVER… this is something which has been bothering since my last blog.  My heart is burdened and I have been wrestling with sharing it or not, and I decided this fire is going to spread one way or another and I might as well get it out of my chest.

Boy meets girl.  Fairytale wedding.  Successful marriage.  Two kids, one boy, one girl and a dog.  Managing a household.  Holding down jobs and juggling the children.  Typical today family situation, completely visible to the world, but what are we not seeing?  We see the “perfect “couples living out their lives in complete bliss.  They seem to have a handle on everything they are managing in their little marriage bubble.  What if we popped that bubble?  Would we see what was really under that wedding veil?   Of course, couples have issues and that is just part of the process of learning to live with another person in such close quarters.  Let’s take my life for example, to the outside world I was married with two kids and I had everything under control.  My kids participated in all the normal activities and my husband and I made it look like we were living out the family life just like everybody else.  Meanwhile, under the veil things were not so swell.

As my husband suffered from his drug addiction, I was trying to keep us a float.  As we scrambled to keep things running smoothly, we were running out of money for things and I had to cut back on so many things.  As my family began slipping under the radar of society, no one really understood what was going on.  My kids were suffering but they did not know any different.  There are so many things I feel my children missed out on while I thought the rest of the world was all honky dorrie!  I thought I was the only family experiencing difficulties until I began to hear of more and more families losing their homes or jobs or ending up in divorce.  My eyes were opened for a brief moment to see that things were not perfect in other families either.  Yes I may have had the added drug addict in my equation, but how many others had “problems” brewing under the surface that I did not see?

After I wrote the last blog about being separated and not needing a man in my life, I chatted with a few people and the one thing which really had me perplexed is that women in my same situation are trying to figure out how to fix their marriages and win back their husbands.  Um, What?  I would love to restore my marriage and have our family reunited again to have a second go at a real marriage, however, I know that I cannot “fix” my husband and surely I do not want to win back a man who has not come to the realization that he needs help.  Why would anyone want to win back a man who just wants to come back home so we can take care of him in the ways only God can?

When God separated my husband and I, it was for a reason, He wanted us to learn how to take care of ourselves, seek Him and then He can start the process of us rekindling our marriage.  If we were to get right back together with the promise of fixing who we were, we shortly would have set aside all of the things that had happened and just pick up where we left off and end up right back in the same dead end.  When this life is over we will be facing God on our own.  Our spouses will not be next to us telling God all the good, bad and ugly of our lives, it will just be us and God.  So, what this speaks to me is:  We need to build the relationship with God first and then our marriage relationship will just fall into place as God ordained it to be.  When we as individuals begin to seek God first in our lives we become “fixed” by God and He can start to use us for His purposes.  When two people try to “fix” themselves it usually ends up in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship where one cannot function without the other.  The same co-dependent relationship happens with God, however, it is a stable, healthy relationship built upon trust and love and it teaches us to seek Him more because we are so filled with peace.  Isn’t that what we all need in our lives?

I hope I did not ruffle too many feathers or shake the duck too hard, but I just don’t understand why we stay in such dysfunctional relationships sometimes.  I know in my situation, I was blinded by the “no divorce” rule that I did not even think I could allow myself to be separated for awhile until we both could heal.  I knew divorce was not an option for us, yet I used it as a trap to live in a very unhealthy situation for both of us.  By staying together I was enabling my husband to be an addict.  He knew I would never leave him and I felt trapped by trying to make him happy even if it meant getting him his next “fix” from somewhere.  Yes, I want my husband back.  I miss him and I love him dearly, however, until he can function on his own and chooses God first in his life, we will never have a healthy relationship.  I cannot be responsible for his relationship with God that is for him to discover.  And on the same note, I cannot compromise my happiness just so we can be together right now.  I know some say I have abandoned him in worst part of his life, and yeah, I feel that way sometimes too.  Yet, I know we would not make it very far.  Even with couples counseling, things would just not be repaired the right way if we weren’t following God with the desire to be equally yoked.

I pray for eyes to be opened like mine were.  No one lives the perfect life and no one has got this marriage thing completely under control.  There are hardships and some call for a time of being separated and one should embrace that season in their lives to grow closer to God, the One who wants you for exactly who you are.  I hope you can see how we try to live up to the Jones’ status when we really don’t even have a clue what they are actually going through.  We need to return our focus to living holy lives acceptable to God and within that process we will learn how to co-exist without our mates better than ever before.  I accept that I am not perfect and I know I am just as broken as anyone else, I am only human.  I also know my husband is hurting and I truly would love to go running to his side and “fix” his brokenness, but I know that is not reality living.  I have traveled down that road before and I know how dark it can get.


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Until God Says So

Hebrews 13:4
Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

Until death do us part.  To love and to cherish.  To honor and take care of.  Divorce is not an option.  Let no man put asunder.  Vows. Vows. Vows.  Does anyone really pay attention to one of the most important parts of wedding ceremony?  Do the words really have any meaning anymore?  Does anyone even seem to understand the reality of getting married? By the numbers on the divorce rating sheets, I would say not.  I may seem a little bitter as I write this blog, however, it has just happened to me personally one to many times in the recent past.  If you all have read my Day of Deliverance story, then you know where I am standing in my marriage.  I am waiting for my husband to heal and to become whole again.  I have not abandoned him as some have said, I just know I am an enabler and with me in the picture at this moment, nothing will be truly healed in him.

On June 6th, 1992 I married a man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with.  I distinctly remember as we were writing our own vows out that the pastor came to me and ask if I could rewrite my vows to include something about God.  Do you know I forgot?  He had to “ad-lib” God into my vows as we were standing at the altar.  I guess I was so wrapped up in too many other things to realize God needed to be the center of our marriage, not the dress or bridesmaids, reception or flowers or how many people would attend.  As I stood at the altar with my new husband and my 4 month old son lighting the unity candle, I have to admit God was probably the furthest thing from my mind.  I was not any where near to God as I am now and it makes me a little bit sad to write that.

As the months turned into years of turmoil, my marriage really had no meaning.  Our relationship had become nothing but  yelling and screaming matches and a fight for daily survival.  There was no love at the end.  No desire to even make amends at some points.  I was so tired of being the stable one in the relationship by working full time and taking care of the kids, there was no time left to actually be in love.  My marriage was gone, yet I did not feel compelled to seek a divorce.  Then, after the suicide attempt and the separation, I still had no desire to file for a divorce.  And here I am almost three years later, still standing by my husband’s and I choice not to divorce.  God dislikes divorce and I am choosing to do everything in my will power to make this marriage work.  After all, somewhere in that man over there is the person I fell in love with and I am so in love I am willing to wait it out.  My husband is broken and God is the only one who can fix the things that hurt.

Now before everyone gets in an uproar, I know there are certain circumstances which lead couples to end their love lives in divorce.  I am not saying that staying together is the answer for everyone, but I certainly feel as though God needs to be a HUGE part of that decision.  I am still waiting for my husband to heal and unless God tells me in some HUGE way to file for divorce, I intend to stay right here.  Now, to further this statement, I am remaining faithful to my husband. Why?  We are not separated to “explore other options”.  We are not “free to date” other people.  We are in a period of healing.  Why can the world not see that?

I know there are others who live in different countries who have because of their cultures feel it is okay to have multiply relationships and I get that, however, when a girl says no, she means no.  I am content as I am right now.  I do not need a man in my life to make me happy.  I too am in a healing process and need this time of separation to get myself back on the right path.  I am married to Jesus at the moment and He will take care of all my needs until God leads my husband and I back together.  I am standing my ground and the ideals of this world will not draw me into their schemes.  I have been faithful to my husband from the day I married him and I have no plans to change that status in my life.

So, in conclusion, yes my status says I am separated.  I am still married to my husband of 20 years and until God says so, this will remain true.  I do not desire a relationship with anyone, mine is complicated enough.  I have enough things going on in my life such as trying to publish a book, keep up with my kids, work full time in a restaurant as a manager and trying to get my Mary Kay business off the ground.  God stepped in almost three years ago and separated my husband and I so that we could both have a time of healing, who am I to say what we should do?  If God dislikes divorce, I assure you He has everything under control and I am willing to wait for as long as it takes. I am willing to wait for restoration.