How many of us entered into a new relationship and felt like we were headed into uncharted territory? Venturing into a place we were unsure of? It’s like walking into a familiar place but there is a fog which is covering up the usual sight we see, yet, we just keep walking into it. As we get closer and closer to the what we know to be there it becomes clear and we feel safe, but on the way there we could encounter several bumps and bruises as we lose our way sometimes in the fogginess. New relationships can be very unsafe waters sometimes, especially if we have not dealt with our past issues and pain.
Sometimes we dive head first into a new romance thinking we are healed and ready to just bounce back into love. Some of us get lucky but for some as we begin to unpack our old baggage into a new relationship we begin to see just how unhealed we really are. Sometimes relationships can be just cruising along like a well taken care of Mustang. Smooth and speeding right through the curves and bumpiness of the road unfolding in front of them. While other times it’s like you are in a rusted out car caught in a hurricane and being torn apart piece by piece until all that’s left is a battered heart.
What I would like to talk about today is intimacy. I want to address the things no one ever talks about. I want to expose the weapons of the enemy. I want you to leave refreshed and hopeful not beaten down and empty.
I really don’t know where to begin or even how to convey what I am trying to say but I want to give you a mental picture. When we are growing up and fantasizing about marriage we often dream of a fairy tale experience. Everything is always perfect. There are no screaming matches or rejection or disappointment…just roses and fancy parties the rest of your life. When it comes to intimacy, here again this is no bed of roses. Many of us enter into relationships with so much covered up brokenness we don’t even know how to be real with the person we are married to. Some come to the altar from divorces. Some couples are together after several failed relationships. Many couples come from a childhood of sexual abuse or molestation. Everybody’s story is different yet the result is usually the same. Running in two different directions avoiding the pain.
Below is a photo I feel represents what we think intimacy should look like. It’s all beautiful and calm and spectacular in color. It’s what the fantasy romance looks like. You can’t see the pain or discomfort. You can’t see the hurt or the wanting to run away. You can’t feel the emptiness. You don’t see the erupting volcano of unforgiveness or rejection.
Unless we confront head on those things which are preventing us from having freedom in our relationship we will forever feel like slaves. We will perform and do things out of obligation rather than love and true intimacy. We can go back to the beginning of time and see God created us for intimacy. He created us with relationship in mind. What happened? Where is the disconnect? Simple. Satan has slipped in here and there in our lives and made a mess of things. A mess which clearly can only be healed by seeking God and being truthful about our feelings.
I was molested when I was 5 years old. I have gone through counseling. I have forgiven the person. I have let go and let go and let go, yet there is still I discomfort I have that just won’t go away. In the five years I have been married to my current husband there has been a disconnect. I just couldn’t figure it out. I tried to understand but nothing was changing. I felt as if Satan had me pinned down and I couldn’t see what was causing me to feel this way. It all stayed the same until God in His perfect time showed me a very simple thing. He showed to me what a real touch was like. A gentle loving touch. One that was not uncomfortable and enabled me to feel love. To experience what love was suppose to feel like. He showed this to me through my husband simply holding my hand.
In that moment I felt safe. I felt loved. I saw a glimpse of the colors of true intimacy. The fog began to dissipate.
When I shared this revelation to my husband it opened up a whole new world for us to explore. It was super hard for me to even talk about, however, we invited Jesus into the middle of our intimacy and we are looking forward to what He is going to do in our marriage. When couples try as hard as they can to please their mates in all aspects of a relationship on their own, often there is no real evidence of anything changing. Why? Because the healing we need to have a viable marriage has to come from Jesus. Only He knows our inner most pain. Only Jesus knows what steps we need to take. Only Jesus can take the deepest of pain and heal it. We often try to fix ourselves or our mates and just make matters worse.
As we move forward into this new level of intimacy we are excited that God is going to do a new thing in our marriage. He will take the dry deserts in our hearts and make them waterways. Waterways into places of intimacy and grace. Paths to undiscovered love. I anticipate great things in this new adventure. I am expecting doors to the past to close. I am looking forward to no longer being a slave to this. I know God has a much better plan to heal me than I could ever come up with.
Dear God, I thank You for loving us just where we are. I invite you into the wounded parts of our hearts. I surrender all of the past emotions and pain to You knowing You will take care of it all, I just have to trust You in the process. In Jesus Name. Amen.