Tag Archives: exercise

Stuck in an Insanity Pattern

John 13:34-35  

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

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This morning I did my usual ritual as sad as it may be…woke up, checked Facebook and Timehop…two things for some reason I do everyday.  It’s like a trap I am stuck in of looking at the here and now updates and then checking on the past just to see if anything has really changed.  What did I discover today?  A pattern.  A cycle of insanity.  A never ending loop.  A story of start and restart which has been going on for years.  It seems like every year about this time I begin to get serious about my weight, for like a month, then it’s over until spring of the following year.  What is wrong with me?  Why can I not stick to a regiment and follow it through?

Well, I have a few ideas:

  • Lack of motivation
  • Winter in Michigan (haha)
  • The change does not come quickly enough
  • I CANNOT give up ice cream for the whole summer
  • I am too hard on myself
  • I do not see the worth in it
  • It’s too much discipline

I am sure there are a billion other  reasons I could come up with but I don’t want to bore you with the details. Let’s just say it’s been a struggle.  I am over 200 pounds right now and have been for awhile.  My husband and I just had a discussion in the car the other day about this subject and he asked me one startling question:

“If this was how you were to look for the rest of your life would you be happy?”

Nope!  That was my answer and I can barely type this blog through the tears right now.  Why would I not be happy?  God created me this way.  He loves me why can’t I?  I have changed my eating habits drastically in the last two years.  I have been soda free for over a year.  I drink one cup of decaf coffee in the morning (used to drink pots of regular) and the rest of the day I only drink water.  I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I am not much of a snacker unless you count my handful of peanut butter M&M’s.  I mainly eat veggies and chicken, not a fan of red meat.  I have done slimfast in the morning and at lunch for a few months now with no real change.  I have pushed myself to just get 8,000 steps in a day and get 3 days of 15 minutes of exercise.  I have done all I know to do with no results.  I know this has to be a life change and I also know that counting calories is not something I will do for the rest of my life.

I do struggle with my thyroid which my medication just recently changed.  I had a partial hysterectomy and removal of a pound and half fibroid and lost 7 pounds in a week.  So medically speaking there have been some struggles, however,  I know I need to get more active.  Yet somewhere inside my very soul I hear a voice speaking to me, “But I love you just the way you are.  You are beautiful no matter what size you are.  You don’t need to stress yourself out about this.  Just rest in Me.”  Wow!  How can you ignore the sweetest voice of love speaking to you?

The picture posted with this blog is me just plain.  No makeup.  Hair just combed.  No angled shot to make me look thinner.  Just me.  Just the way God created me.  Now, why do I not love her?  Why can I not accept her just as she is?  Why do I spend several minutes a day putting make up on and fixing my hair just right?  Why do I not love the image in the mirror like God does?

Now I will admit part of the make up, hair and clothes is how I am wired.  God walked me through a healing in this area about a year ago.  I love dressing up and looking my best but the problem lies within me of not ever wanting to go into public without makeup.  I even wear make up to the gym.  There are very few people who have seen me in all my plain glory and I kinda want to keep it that way…but why?

In John chapter 13 Jesus us tells us to love one another as He loves us.  Sounds simple.  However, in order to love one another we first need to learn how to accept and love ourselves.  If we do not begin to love within ourselves what good are we to others who are in the same condition?  Hate breeds hate and loves produces love.  Make sense?  So if I hate the way I am then how can I ever fully love someone else for how they are?

So what am I going to do to break the cycle I am in?  Nothing but listen to the direction of the Holy Spirit.  Jesus said when He left this world He was sending the Comforter and I am calling on Him for wisdom and direction.  I will eat what I feel is right.  I will walk when I feel prompted.  I will live according to God’s plan not mine.  I could try (and have) another diet and exercise program.  I could (and have) read another book on diet and exercise.  I could follow the next fad in diet control.  I could stress myself out in this underlying completion to be thin but I won’t.

My blood pressure is perfect.  My heart is healthy.  My lungs are clear.  My muscles are good.  Medically I am just fine, so here again why am I pushing so hard to get to a size which may not be even possible?  I choose today to just be who I am.  I choose to accept me for who I am.  I choose to listen to the Holy Spirit direction.  I choose to believe I am beautiful.

I choose to believe I am accepted and loved just as I am.

Sure was easy to type those things above, now the true test is walking this out and trusting the Holy Spirit and the plan God has for me.  Who knows, I might make it to a size 10 and weigh 150 pounds by fall, BUT, if I don’t I am going to be okay because I will be found resting in His arms safe, loved and accepted no matter what size it says on the tags of my clothes.

 

Dear Lord,

I have seen the tough spot I am in with this cycle of insanity.  I choose today to take one baby step in the direction of accepting the girl in the mirror just like you do.  Thank You for the work You are about to do in me.  I thank You and praise You for being my healer.  I trust now in Your plan.  Lead me.  Guide me.  Show me. 

In Jesus Name  Amen

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Underachiever Award Goes to: Brenda Czarniak 47th Year in a Row

2018

I am not one to set new year resolutions because I only find myself on the floor the eve of a new year making the same old promises to myself and God, knowing in the back of my head it is all just talk.  Empty, worthless drivel.  Goals I will not set incude:

  • I will not exercise more in the new year.
  • I will not take more walks then the year before.
  • I will not be any more organized than what I am at this very moment.
  • I will still wait for the last minute to do things.
  • I will not push myself to write.
  • I will not make all the right choices when it comes to healthy eating.
  • I will not stop coloring my hair and embracing the gray.
  • I refuse to set goals and ambitions for the new year only because I am afraid of failure and the mentally of “I can’t do anything right” haunts me year after year.  It is my wound and I have been protecting it all this time.  I cannot fail if I don’s set goals.  My wound cannot get any worse if I choose not to set things in motion for the new year.

There.  Now that I have established everything I am NOT  going to do in 2018 I feel so much relief.  No expectations to fulfill.  No standards to keep up with.  No commitments.  No chance of failure or not doing something right.  If I write, I write.  If I exercise, I exercise.  If I choose cake over carrots may the cake be chocolate.  If I get my desk organized then I will celebrate probably with ice cream.  No pressure. No problem.

EXCEPT

Psalm 42

1 As the deer longs for streams of water,
    so I long for you, O God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
    When can I go and stand before him?
Day and night I have only tears for food,
    while my enemies continually taunt me, saying,
    “Where is this God of yours?”

My heart is breaking
    as I remember how it used to be:
I walked among the crowds of worshipers,
    leading a great procession to the house of God,
singing for joy and giving thanks
    amid the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,
    but I will remember you—
even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,
    from the land of Mount Mizar.
I hear the tumult of the raging seas
    as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
    and through each night I sing his songs,
    praying to God who gives me life.

“O God my rock,” I cry,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?”
10 Their taunts break my bones.
    They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”

11 Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God!

 

As deep cries out to deep, God calls us to higher and higher levels in Him.  He wants us to have everything He has destined for us to achieve.  He wants us to be healthy but it does not need to control our every thought.  I am sure He would like us to be organized simply to help keep us focused on His next step for us.  He wants us to be happy in our own skin and if something needs to change, He will lead us in that direction. At times I feel like such a mess almost as if I was an unraveled ball of yarn that someone took apart and then just left in a pile on the floor.  In and of myself I cannot put myself back into shape, I will need to trust the Creator to do this.  With that being said, if I spend 2018 just seeking Him, He will guide me in the right direction.

By me setting up goals and standards for the new year I am almost saying, “Don’t worry God, I got this! See You in 2019 and I will be ready to move forward with what you have for me.”

So what am I going to do in 2018?  Just be.  Just be in an attitude of gratitude.  Just be thankful for where I am at the moment.  Just be in an atmosphere of continual praise and worship.  Just be silent in His presence so I can hear the next step.  Just be content with what I have knowing God has some much more for me.  I am just going the be me and see what God does in and through me.  Romans 8:18 seems to be the verse for the year for our family.

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My prayer this year for all of you reading this is for you to see making a new years resolution in a whole new light.  Let God into your goals.  Let God into any resolutions you feel you may need to make.  Just let God be in your life.  Just be in His presence.  Just be who He created you be.  You will discover in a very short time that His desires for your life are nothing like the standards of the world we so easily measure ourselves against.

Happy New Year! 

May 2018 show up in all it’s intended glory and show you who God really is.  May you be able to Just Be and pursue that which God desires for you to follow after.  May you find peace and joy in resting rather than working harder.  May you be blessed and highly favored as you begin to believe what God says about you rather than the world.  Most of all, I pray that you can Just Be.

Time to Adjust My Crown

James 1:12 
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.

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Under normal circumstances, I would NEVER have posted this photo of myself.  But, today is not a normal day by any means.  After a little bit of road rage on the way to the store, while driving my dad, then a few people “in my way” at the store, and a grumpy dad because of it, and then 3 hours of healthy food prep for the week only to have someone say to me (I am sure in love and concern):

Have you lost any weight since you started making all this “heathy food” because it sure doesn’t look like it.”

Preface this with the night before my body acting out of whack and not getting much sleep and this makes for a very “fleshy” day.  Under normal circumstances I usually don’t have road rage and I am not irritated by those also shopping for their weekly groceries but for some reason today was just one of those days.  Then when I heard the words of defeat concerning my weight I was just done.

On a day like today I just need to take the advice of our pastor this morning and “Adjust my crown” and know who I am in Christ.  On a day like today I need not worry about the mistakes I have made, I just need to adjust my crown and move forward.  When one realizes they are the daughter or son of the Most High King the perspective of life should change.  One should be able to stand up tall and put their shoulders back and accept who God says they are not what the world just threw at them.

I could walk around the rest of the day moping and sulking because nothing I seem to do changes my outward appearance.  I have cut out soda (6 months), I have GREATLY reduced my sugar intake and gluten.  I cook fresh veggies for lunch and eat salad…I could go on but I think we all know the routine.  What will it take to lose the weight?  More healthy eating?  More exercise?  More defeat to push me to try harder?  I have been there and done that for months now with no results.  I even was doing my Faith and Fitness videos and feeling really motivated until I saw no results so I just gave up.  Defeated I stopped encouraging others all together.  Why bother?

Well, it’s time for me to put on my “Big Girl Panties” and buck up to the plate and try harder.  Do more to be active.  Do more to be healthy.  Concentrate all my time on measuring and monitoring my meals.  Time for me to be very meticulous about what goes on health wise for my body….

WAIT…(INSERT SOUND OF A RECORD STOPPING ABRUPTLY)

I do not need to do any of those things if they are causing me to worry or be stressed.  I must simply adjust my crown and move on.  Move to prayer and resting at the feet of Jesus, for it is at His feet that I will received all of the answers I need.  It is in my resting where God can do His most mighty miracles.

I am at the heaviest I have ever been pushing 210 pounds.  No wonder I am tired.  No wonder my body is out of whack, however, I can’t do anything about it if I am worried and stressed and over achieving.  Pushing myself to get motivated.  I am only going to achieve weight loss if I take Jesus with me.  If I allow myself to be still long enough, He will show me what to do and give me the desire to complete it.

Well, now that I have decided to straighten my crown and not to accept what the world thinks about me, I can enjoy the rest of my evening with my beloved husband knowing that I am loved by the Most High King and He is happy to see me with my crown on straight and my heart in the right place.

Dear Lord,

Today I pray for all of those who are struggling with poor self image and weight issues.  Help them to see themselves as You see them not like the world does.  Help them to rest in You and to be still long enough to hear what the next move is.  I pray Lord for hearts to be healed and lives changed.  I pray for crowns to be straightened and for minds to be renewed.  Thank You Lord for direction in all areas of our lives.  Thank You that You accept us just as we are and You love us right where we are.  In Jesus Name Amen.