Tag Archives: divorce

Treasurable Love

101a

Today my life is good.  The heart ache is gone and has been replaced with pure, treasurable love.  My life once again has purpose and meaning.  I finally feel like I have been placed on the right path which will propel me into my destiny.  Life has not always been easy and even now there are steps I still am hesitant to take.  I have come to this place where I trust God and I go where He says to go.  Like Jesus mirrored in His ministry, he only did what He saw the Father doing, anything else would have been man’s doing,

How did I get from point A to point B without losing myself?  I am not sure except there came this one day when my life was crashing all around me and I chose to stop running.  It’s hard to wrap my mind around some of the things God calls us to do, and often they make absolutely no sense to the human thought process, yet I know beyond the shadow of a doubt it’s the way of God working in my life.

What caused me to write today about treasure? My husband.  He left yesterday for a 2 day road trip.  For most married couples that is no big deal, in fact often welcomed.  Not me.  Within the hour of him leaving I felt a loss.  Not that I can’t be without him, I didn’t WANT to be without him.  My husband is not what I asked for at all.  I really had no choice when he dropped onto the radar of my life.  For you see, I had this in-depth conversation with God in which I clearly stated that I did not want another man in my life after my divorce.  Sometimes I am glad God does not listen to our pleas only because He has something so much better to offer us.

When John came in to my life I was broken.  My heart had been shattered into a bazillion pieces and I had no desire to put them back together or be loved again, BUT God softened my heart.  He renewed my thinking.  As He did this, John became a true treasure in my life.  The more I tried to say I did not deserve his love, the more God moved.  Now, I would not trade my husband for anything in the world because I know how much he means to me and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt this is God’s plan for my life.

So what is your treasure?  Is there something God has given to you that perhaps you did not understand?  I encourage you to seek God for what your treausrable love is.  Sometimes His ways do not make sense to us, but He is our loving Father and He desires to give us the best of everything.  My best gift was love.  The love of my children.  The love of my husband.  The love of dear friends.  And most importantly the love of God which He has poured into my life even in the moments where I felt less than deserving of anything.  Be still right now and KNOW that God is at work on your behalf and He will never leave you or forsake you.

mytreasure

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I Want a Divorce……

 

Isaiah 40:31The Message (MSG)

For even young people tire and drop out,
    young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
    They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don’t get tired,
    they walk and don’t lag behind.

wings

Yes, I am ready for a divorce, but not the type you immediately thought of. I assure you that I am VERY happy in my marriage to my wonderful hubby!  As a matter of fact I was quite shocked when I asked God for a blog idea this afternoon and He said to write about divorce.   I just kinda of stood there for a moment and I am sure to the outside world I may have looked very puzzled.  Divorce? But why would you want me to write on such a subject when there is no truth to that in my current marriage?

I almost heard God laugh through the dead silence in my head and He said, not a marriage divorce, but a divorce from the world.  OHHHHH! I get it!  So here we are writing a blog about divorcing ourselves from the things of this world so that we may have a more intimate relationship with our Creator.  In Romans 12:2 the Bible clearly warns us to not get attached to the ways of the world yet it is so easily done, everyday, everywhere and all the time.

We get so busy in life.  We are always going here and doing that next great thing.  We are taking challenges to jump into bodies of water or pouring buckets of ice on ourselves.  Some are trapped in smoking addictions or going to the bars.  Others are spending too much time earning more money so they can buy bigger and better things.  While all things in moderation can be a good rule to follow in most circumstances there are still some things which are hallways to things not of God.

Now, don’t stop reading just yet…I am not judging or condemning anyone, I am just offering another way of looking at a Biblical principle.  If God is calling us away from the things of this world it is only for our benefit.  The more we decide to seek God then personal pleasures or wealth, the stronger our faith becomes and it allows God to provide all those wonderful things our hearts desire.

I am even feeling discouraged a little as I write this blog, it is tough to not be of this world especially since we live in it day after day.  Often times it easier to flip through the pages of Facebook than it is the Bible.  As humans we are so easily distracted.  We want to be involved in everything and we never want to find ourselves bored so we give in a little to the world here and there.

I guess maybe the key to all of this is keeping your eyes on Jesus and His purpose for your life.  For example, my husband and I are dedicated to making ministry our top priority and as we serve God, He blesses us.  Just recently my husband started his own  Power Washing and Home Specialties business and God is just opening door after bigger door after BIGGER door.  We stand in awe at what God is doing.  So what are we missing out on? The latest television shows, yet gaining the friendships of people everywhere.  While we are not bound by every sporting event imaginable we are able to see God’s handiwork at the beach and in the woods and develop a stronger marriage.

When we decide to be a follower of Jesus and separate ourselves from worldly things, God makes a way and fulfills our happiness at the same time.  I really cannot ask you to do what my husband and I do….however, I don’t miss a lot of the things of the world.  As I have learned who I am in Christ, it really does not matter.  What matters is relationships…not just with the Creator but with the broken-hearted people of the world.  They are the ones who really need less of the world and more of Jesus and His unwavering love.  The world will only love you for a minute and then it’s on to the next big thing….You will always be God’s son or daughter and He longs to pour out blessings and favor upon you.

Choices are for Choosy People (Part 2)

2 CORINTHIANS 5:19

The Message (MSG)

16-20 Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you.

choices2

So you chose the wrong size shirt, take it back and exchange it.  Did not get want you wanted for Christmas? Take it to the store and return it.  Made a mistake and bought the wrong size light bulbs…return them.  Almost any simple choice we make can be fixed but what if we make a life choice that was bad?  How do we fix that?  Perhaps the better questions is how can we prevent a wrong choice in the first place?  In the last blog, I discussed how our lives are planned out and we need to use God to connect the dots, this simply means:  The difference between a good choice and a bad one is prayer.  Prayer is often the one thing that will make a difference in your life and lead you in the right direction every time.

When I chose to divorce my husband, it was not easy.  I did not just wake up one day and say that I was ready for divorce, it was a three year process.  It was a three year journey with God that brought me to that choice.  I won’t bore you with the details of 3 years, but let’s just say, it took patience to wait.  It took dying to self to make it through.  It took daily prayer.  I told God I would stick it out and He said He would never leave me and we both clung to our promises.  In the end, it was a 3 day wrestle with God that led me to the choice of divorce.  I made it very clear that I was surrendered to His will and I would stay if that was the next dot.  When I heard and felt the release to divorce, I trusted God had a plan and I moved on to the next dot.

Here is the part of my new story that makes me laugh and confirms that God has a sense of humor.  If we chose Jesus as our savior and friend then we have to trust in His ways, right?  Well, shortly after I felt released to divorce I told God that I was done with men in my life.  I wanted to publish my books and travel.  I told God this several times and I made it clear that would make me happy.  Well, of course, as usual, God had different plans for my next dot…a new husband.

When I first began to see what God was up to, I was in denial.  “How can this be?” I asked God, “This is not what I agreed to.  I wanted to travel.  I can handle this on my own.”  Nope.  Not happening.  Soon I was so in love with John that I could no longer deny it was God.  Here was a prime example of how sometimes God gives us what we need before it’s what we want only to discover it’s what we needed all along.  I am so glad I sought God in prayer for my life.  I am not sure where I would be right now if I had chose to take my own path and pick my own dot.  I may have ended up unhappy and lifeless.  I may have ended up on a path where God would just stick by me until I turned to seek His desire for my life again.

So I feel like there are no good or bad choices if we choose God as our decision maker.  Even when we do make a bad choice, His Word promises that He will turn in to good, so in reality if we return to God we cannot lose.  God loves us so much that He just desires us to communicate with Him.  No matter what it is, He is waiting for you to call out to Him.  He is a friend forever and He has all the answers.

True Grace

2 Corinthians 4:15
All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.

Ever wonder how sometimes we have no understanding of how we end up where we do? We have been given a free will and often we as humans just take advantage of it thinking we know more than God does.  Twenty years ago I made the choice to marry a man I thought I could fix.  I knew he was a drinker but I thought for sure I could cure that.  Before we even got married I got pregnant with my son, this made me think that I had no choice now but to stay.  I could not see that God had a much bigger plan for my life, yet what happened over the last 20 years has given me the ability to love with a compassion for others like I might never have gained.

As I watched my husband spiral out of control, I felt so stuck and lost in a relationship that I soon realized had nothing to do with God.  As I stood by my husband even in his complete brokenness  I felt empty as if I had no purpose but to keep this man alive for his children.  I was lost.  I was alone.  I was hurting.  I was confused and broken.  My heart was shattered in a million pieces yet I stood beside him until three years ago.  While I sat in an emergency room watching my husband fight for his life from a drug overdose/suicide attempt, I cried out to God.  I finally wanted out.  I could not stand beside him any longer.

Three years have passed and I am now divorced.  It was not a choice I found easy to make, however it was by God’s grace that I was released.  I was willing to stand and wait for my husband to be healed.  I would have done anything God said to do, but He was silent for so long on the subject until I was willing to just surrender it all and leave it at the cross.  I was alone for the whole three years up until God gave me the release to pursue divorce.  Within a few days of my release, God gave me a chance at life again.

He sent a man into my life who would show me what a right relationship was.  He stands now beside me even in my brokenness.  He seeks God first and brings me only things which will edify me.  He understands my weaknesses and does his best to love me right where I am, insecurities and all.  As we have chosen to be married due to what God had began in our spirits, we spoke about how I needed to feel release from my ex-husband.  We talked with our pastor and he said that some day, my ex-husband would thank John for taking care of me, realizing that he couldn’t.  We figured it would be years down the road as it was a huge statement to receive.

This is how great God’s grace really is.  First the phone call a few weeks before the divorce went through and then at the courthouse the day of the divorce.  After all was said and done and the judgement for divorce was granted, he called me over and said how happy he was for me and that he wished me the best.  I felt overwhelmed at his kindness and grace only to watch him them walk over to John and speak the same thing to him.  Grace, true grace.  Only God can instill that grace in another human being.  Even though I know my ex-husband was hurting, I knew he meant every word of what he spoke.

Today as I look forward to remarriage and a bright horizon of moving into the realm of a right relationship ordained by God, I am filled with such wonder at how God does what He does.  We know beyond the shadow of a doubt that our steps are ordered by the Lord, therefore, everything we endured in our lives up to this point is God’s true grace on our lives.  Even when we make the wrong choices, He sees fit to continue to give us grace until we are back on track with our destiny.

Being Loved Back Together

Psalm 33:22
Let Your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in You alone.

Psalm 36:10
Pour out Your unfailing love on those who love You; give justice to those with honest hearts.

Three years ago I was sitting in a hospital room on my daughter’s 15th birthday watching my husband of 17 years cling to every heartbeat.  As I watched him labor for his next breath, I was consumed with this overwhelming need for a rescue.  I had been married to a drug addict for way too long.  I had married this man under the assumption that I could “fix” his drinking problem.  I was going to end up with the best husband ever when I was done “fixing” him.  How could I have become so deceived?  Want to know why?  Because I needed love and a way out of my house.  Because I was eager to start a family and have the “perfect” American lifestyle.  Because I was so broken already before I even entered the actual marriage that I could not see how crazy it was of me to think I could “fix” anything in another human being.

Now I stand in awe at what God has brought into my life.  I will try to make a long story short, and give just a few details.  About 3 months ago while I was on vacation, I began to cry out to God about my marriage.  I had been standing, waiting and praying for over three years for my husband to do three things:  Find God in his life, get a job and keep it and lastly to be drug and alcohol free.  These were the three things I required before I could even consider counseling or the idea of rebuilding our very broken marriage.  During those three years we had no contact…no phone calls or visits.  God had us separated for His purposes.  In that three years nothing changed, in fact he is now facing prison time.

After he showed up drunk to my daughter’s open house in August, I really began to seek God for answers.  What am I waiting for?  When will he find his way back to God?  Will my marriage ever be restored?  As I was blasting all of these questions at God, I heard Him clearly say, “I promised you the restoration of your family, not your marriage.”  Stopped me dead in my tracks.  What did He just say?  In the next few moments I felt a release come over me and I felt in my heart of hearts that I had been released to divorce.  Now this is where I stand in awe of God and how He works.  It is not for us to figure out, but for us to receive and trust in Him and not question His ways for He has already planned and purposed out our lives.

About a year ago I met a man, John, who spoke into my son’s life, I remember telling him that He was the one who would bring my son back to God at some point.  I only saw John a handful of times over the course of a year, just at church and then finally at recent revival meetings.  We became friends and that was all I ever saw in our relationship, nothing more.  One night at a revival meeting someone approached us and asked if we were “an item” and we just laughed at such a strange question.  As a joke, John asked me out to dinner and before my flesh could say no, I blurted out yes.

Over dinner I shared my life story, something I had yet to do. Then we walked a nearby pier and he shared his story.  Then out of nowhere we began to minster to someone on the pier and God showed us a ministry right in front of us.  On the way back to the cars, we got so lost in God we found ourselves laughing and laying on the cement pier at 11 pm at night.  God did something to change our hearts in that moment of time and now, here we are three months later so in love and walking in what God has laid out for us.  On September 2, 2012 John asked for my hand in marriage and I said, Yes.  We are getting married on December 7th at revival and I have never been happier or filled with so much peace.

I do, however, need to make this very clear.  Yes, I know the divorce will not be final until November 13th and some may not see this relationship as being Biblically right, however, we both have been seeking God over this situation.  For the first two weeks of the relationship we gave God our emotions and begged Him to separate us before we got any further involved if this was not of Him.  Neither of us desired to be hurt and we both wanted our relationship to fully rest on God and His will for our lives.  Now here we are three months later and I have been loved back together by a man who has put God first in his life before everything else and is doing his best to love me like I should be loved.

Neither of us take any credit for our finding each other.  I in fact had sworn of men in my life after what I had been through, but God in His unyielding love saw to it to give me what a needed before I got what I wanted.  Once I realized God had given me exactly what I needed, I was able to receive that a God centered relationship was exactly what I did want.  Now I stand in complete openness with my friends and family.  I am covered by the grace of God and I am safe in His arms.  John and I are seeking God more and more every day and I am now in a place where I am willing to be loved back together so that I can truly be who I was designed to be by God.

No Matter What, He’s Gonna Love You

1 Corinthians 13:7
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Got sin?  Feel like you fall short?  Perhaps you think you just don’t measure up? Maybe you are riddled with guilt? Or you just are not feeling worthy of any love at all.  You look in the mirror and all you see is brokenness  and despair.  You want to run as far as you can in the opposite direction from God because you feel the emptiness begin to creep in and you have no idea where you are going next.  You want to fix your life and THEN get right with God.  You want to mend all the broken parts of you before you go to the Father and “make things right”.  You want to go back and correct ALL of the dumb mistakes you made so that God will see you as whole and ready to seek Him for your destiny.  Guess who I just described? Yup!  Me.

This is how I felt not long ago.  As I was dealing with a lifeless marriage and going nowhere in my walk with God, I was feeling so lost and not worthy of love in any shape or form.  I felt like I needed to fix all of the mistakes I had made before I could even go before God and ask for forgiveness.  Ten years I walked without acknowledging God was even in my life. Ten long years of doing it on my own, not seeking His wisdom or direction all because I felt  I had made some really dumb choices for my life and until I worked all of these things out, I was stuck and unworthy of His grace.

In the midst of all of my brokenness, God just reached down one day and scooped me into His arms and began to love me back together.  I was unwilling at first as I sat in a hospital room watching my overdosed husband fighting for his life.  In that brief moment, He asked me if I was ready to be loved again.  Surprisingly I did not hesitate.  I had been doing everything on my own for so long, I was ready to give up.  I was ready to surrender. I was ready to be whole again.  How long had God been standing beside me waiting for me to get to this place in my life so that He could show me how much He truly loved me?  From the moment I drifted, He stood closer.  The more I beat myself up, the more He loved me.  Every time I screamed out in agony, He longed to pick me up and hold me close.

Now as I stand on the brink of my entire life changing I am seeking God more than ever and as I do this, He releases me and sets me free.  I have been waiting for my husband for three years, waiting for him to be renewed and find God.  I simple wanted him to be healed from his addictions so that he could love again.  I wanted  him whole so that he could see God in his life.  I wanted so badly for him to cease from being in constant pain and agony.  I wanted him to feel worthy of God’s love so that our marriage could be repaired.  I prayed and I stood in silence, waiting, until  6 weeks ago when God released me to divorce.

I spent two days wrestling with God.  I surrendered my emotions over and over again.  I prayed continuously for direction and answers.  I asked God to show me what was going on and clear as day I heard Him tell me that He had promised me the restoration of my family, not the restoration of my marriage and in that very moment I felt the release from my marriage.  I knew in my heart of hearts I had done my best and now the rest was up to God.

Now as I stand here in surrender.  I am more free than I have ever been. I have found more peace than I have ever dreamed possible.  I feel whole.  I feel worthy.  I feel loved.  I can look in the mirror now and no longer see the past that was holding me back from accepting the love of God in my life.  I now know without a shadow of a doubt that God’s love is unconditional and He is going to love me no matter how far I get of track.  When I find myself in moments of doubt I just pause to reflect on what God rescued me from and I  look forward to what lies ahead knowing He will love through it all.

Vowed Before God

Matthew 19:8
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended.

Sigh, this is a tough blog to write because I know everyone has a different view point on marriage and why people stay together.  I have been wrestling with this for awhile now, yet I know in my heart exactly where I stand.  I know where God stands.  I just do not know where my husband stands at the moment.  I have gone through so many changes in three years that sometimes I even amaze myself with the changes and the reactions I have to things which once bothered me greatly.  Yet it seems as if my husband has done no changing and to the outside world the situation looks hopeless as can be.  Not for me, in prayer, God promised me the restoration of my family and God has yet to fail me.

Let me share some background before I solidify where I stand.  I met my husband while at work.  I had been away at a McDonalds class and when I came back he was the manager who had taken my place so there would be enough workers while I was gone. (he worked at a different location) He had asked me for my phone number and I made him guess all of the numbers, I wanted to be sure he was interested enough to go through the hassle.  Soon we spent day after day together, as a matter of fact before we were separated we had seen each other every day since the first day we met. (of course that’s another story)

Anyways the point I am trying to make is that the man I met in the early days when we would talk for hours while sitting in a 24 hour restaurant after work, is the man I am waiting for.  I fell in love with the man I got to know while he was sober and when I found out the bad things about him, I just figured I could change him.  Of course, I now know that only God can change people, I can’t and this is what I am waiting for.  God has this already planned out, He knows the next move and He surely is prepared for whatever my husband does.  I am faithfully waiting for my husband to find God again in his life.  I am standing here still waiting after three years because I have hope in God, not my husband.

The Bible states marriage cannot be broken unless someone cheats and I know people keep saying the fact about grace and God would not persecute me for choosing to divorce my husband but in all reality, I don’t have the desire to do so.  My husband knows where I stand and that God is first and foremost in my life and until he is on the same page, we would drive each other crazy.  I am content to remain married even when others just do not see the sense in it.  I am standing beside God and He is changing me and molding me into the destiny He has already planned out for me.  I truly believe even though I made some strange choices, God is turning all of this to good.

Lastly, I can only imagine the grand testimony that will come when my husband decides to follow after true love, Jesus.  As for now, I will just press into God.  I will strive to learn the things I need to and continue to allow God to be my provider and even my Husband.  I am content and I am focused.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not think upon my husband.  I miss him terribly and I am waiting with such expectancy from God.  He is my husband, the father of my children and the man I vowed before God to love and cherish until death do us part.  So much of me is still in love with the man who sat across from me at a restaurant table pouring out his heart and soul and dreams to me.  I made a vow and God made me a promise.