Tag Archives: addiction

Plugging in ALL of My Lights

1 Corinthians 2:9 [Full Chapter]

We, of course, have plenty of wisdom to pass on to you once you get your feet on firm spiritual ground, but it’s not popular wisdom, the fashionable wisdom of high-priced experts that will be out-of-date in a year or so. God’s wisdom is something mysterious that goes deep into the interior of his purposes. You don’t find it lying around on the surface. It’s not the latest message, but more like the oldest—what God determined as the way to bring out his best in us, long before we ever arrived on the scene. The experts of our day haven’t a clue about what this eternal plan is. If they had, they wouldn’t have killed the Master of the God-designed life on a cross. That’s why we have this Scripture text: No one’s ever seen or heard anything like this, Never so much as imagined anything quite like it— What God has arranged for those who love him. But you’ve seen and heard it because God by his Spirit hasbrought it all out into the open before you.
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What does it mean to give it all? Webster’s dictionary says GIVE means: to make a present of, to grant or bestow by formal action, to put in the possession of another for his or her use, to administer as a sacrament, to commit to another as a trust or responsibility and usually for an expressed reason, to transfer from one’s authority or custody. And the definition of ALL is: the whole, entire, total amount, quantity or extent of.  Hmmmmm, so giving it all when you are following after God simply means:

 All of me as a present to God in a formal manner, putting me in His possession as a living sacrifice, committing myself to His authority, trusting that when I give my all to Him I am allowing Him to have my entire being, mind, body and soul.

Wow!  Until today as I am writing this to you, I think I was deceived into believing that I could just give God what I thought He needed of me at the time.  I am beginning to see the light!  The light of truth.  If we could only come to this place where we just give it all at one time we could see changes in us that may have taken years come to reality in a shorter period of time.  Think about it, if you have a string of Christmas lights and it has 300 bulbs that fit in it and you put only one in each day it would take you 300 days before you could enjoy the lights! But if you put all the lights in it the day that you received it, the light would be on from that moment forward.

Now don’t get lost here, I have a point.  When we come to know Christ in that one moment of acceptance, He gives us everything we need to survive this world, He gives us salvation and grace and unconditional love and the blessing of the Holy Spirit.  What if He only gave it to us one piece at a time?  Some of us would be stuck in the mud for a very long time before we came to see the fullness of Christ in our lives!  But when we choose Jesus we get it all, it is that moment we should come to believe that we are to give it all to Jesus….all of our garbage:  addictions, rejection, insecurities, desires, any brokenness or ungodliness.

However, this is a difficult from the standpoint of how many of us come to meet Jesus.  So many of us come with such a hunger for something different yet we are too broken to figure out what part of God we should take part of first.  As we grow and mature we soon discover how massive God’s love is for us and we begin to give Him more and more pieces of us.  Sometimes we are so overcome by His love that we decide to just give it all to Him.  This is what is happening to me right now.  I have this overwhelming desire to give every tiny little but of myself over to God.  I have come to this place in life where nothing else matters but God and His agenda for my life.

So I am choosing to put all the light bulbs in the string and plug into what God has for my life, are you willing to do the same?

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Beauty is God’s

1 Peter 3:3-6

         ] The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.

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How many times to we hear that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? How many more times do we feel like we have no beauty..inner or outer?  Society paints this picture of what beauty should be when in reality it never measures up for the ordinary people.  We should feel beauty everywhere we go when we are in Christ.  In some cases He has brought us through the worst of valleys into marvelous light but we for some reason can only see the darkness because of others reactions to our lives.

 

Love turns pain into beauty.  This I know for a fact.  How you ask?  I have a husband who with the love of God has brought me back to life.  Now I am not saying that my former husband did not love me or find me attractive, it just was hidden under years of turmoil.  As the drug addiction progressed, my former husband lost sight of what love really was and it became very warped for me.  I lost sense of who I really was and I felt everything but beauty inside or out.

 

When I say beauty is God’s I simply mean He created us in His likeness and He is beauty beyond any compare, therefore, if we are created in His image, we are beautiful.  Life can throw us some tough punches sometimes but God turns all those into beauty marks.  We are stronger after the pain and so long as we keep looking to God for the provision and answers, He will continue to grow us stronger and give us inner beauty.

If Only Land

Romans 7:19

I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.
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How many times have we said out loud to anyone who would be willing to listen, “If Only…” and then we spew out some idea of how we should have done something differently?  I know from my person experiences that I could list one million, seven-hundred and eighty-three examples for you, however for the purposes of blogging I will only pick one.  Twenty-three years ago I decided to date and marry a man whom I thought I could change.  If only he had stopped drinking.  If only he had not decided not to turn to prescription meds.  If only I had been following the Lord…..
Do you see how destructive these two words can be?  How many are stuck in a depressed state right now because they dwell in the kingdom of if onlys?  I know for me I played right into that game for awhile until I began to surrender some things to God, knowing that at that point in my life, I was in control not God and my marriage choice was not what He had desired for me.  Now, was I in love, yes.  Was a happy at times, yes.  Did good things come from the marriage, yes.  So why was I playing the “If Only” blues?
Because I had decided from the get go that I was going to fix my husband.  I figured if I dragged him to church enough times he would just come to know God like I did.  I felt if I gave all of me whenever I could, he would become happy with me and not the drinking.  I wanted so much to “make” the picture perfect family:  A happy husband, two kids and dog.    I am not sure when I realized this was not reality but as I slowly began to lose who I was as a person, it was too late.  If only I had done things differently.  If only I had loved him more.  If only I had been more respectful of my own self. If only I loved myself enough to say enough is enough before my whole life spiraled out of control.
Having said all of that, IF I had changed any of the above things, I would have missed out on two beautiful kids.  I would not have had the life experiences which have led me to where I am today with the ability to love others in a capacity I may not have ever achieved. Yes I went through a lot, yet it has shaped me into who I am today and brought me closer to God than I could ever have imagined twenty some years ago.  I am a stronger person now having experienced the life I did and I believe God knew all of this ahead of time.  When we choose to go beyond what God has already planned out because of our free will, He then works out a way for us to return to His grace and love (not that He ever stopped loving us) much like the prodigal son.
Are you playing the “If Onlys”?  Have you perhaps taken up permanent residency in If Only Land?  My encouragement to you would be start to surrender.  Accept that with your free will you get to pick where you go in life, but if you go too far and are unsure of how to get back to God it is so simple to do.  It is as easy as saying “If Only You will forgive me and lead me in the right direction, I surrender my circumstances to You, God…lead me.”

Broken Into Pieces

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

scattered about

longing for connection

wanting to be whole

my heart lays in pieces…..waiting.

As the days just continue to fade away, I have time to reflect on where I am.  My sole reason for writing is to touch hearts and reach those who are brokenhearted.  I long to help pick up the pieces and rebuild relationships simply by sharing what I have seen.  I am married to an addict, first alcohol and then drugs.  I was addicted to him as much as he was addicted to me.  Somehow in the strangest of ways, we needed to be with each other.  I needed him for acceptance and he needed someone to love him for who he was.  Kids complicated things as the marriage worsened, I wanted out, yet I just saw no alternative through the winding mess of  brokenness I had found myself in.

I would look in the mirror often and just wonder what I was doing here.  My heart was completely broken after 18 years of marriage.  My kids we 15 and 17 when my husband planned to commit suicide on my daughters 15th birthday with a 410 shot gun while high on methadone and even at the hospital as lies were being told about the situation, I was scared to say anything.  I feared a man who was clearly not in his right mind.  I was scared of what he would do if he found out I was the one who told the doctors finally about his addictions.  Looking back the only explanation as to why I could spill the story to the nurse, was God.  He took one look at me suffering in a situation I had placed myself in and found mercy; giving me the confidence in that one small moment of time to speak what I needed to say.  In that one small moment God was able to finally remove me from my situation so healing could begin.

In my weakness, God gave me courage.  In my crisis, He showed me they way out of the wilderness.  He heard my crying out to Him.  He was already finding all the pieces to my shattered heart so that He could begin the healing process, I just had to recognize I was broken.  This whole time I thought it had it under control. My kids were okay.  I was still working.  I went to church.  I just assumed God just let this relationship continue because He was serving a purpose for my life.  As I have started to get my thoughts in order, I have found writing this book about my situation has caused me to see I was not okay.  The kids were NOT okay.  Certainly I did not have things under control.  Yet God is using this now for good.

In the coming days, I will step into the reality of God.  He is real for every situation.  God is in every moment of the day.  He is our provider, our protector and our guide.  His love covers a multitude of wrong decisions and choices.  As we are beating ourselves up He is trying to find a way to encourage us.  Maybe for some it’s reading something that just hits home finally or He sends someone into your life for a season or a moment just to show you He is there….waiting.  Waiting for you to give it all to Him finally so He may begin picking up the pieces of your heart and put them back together for His glory.  He longs for you to be happy in all aspects of your life, this cannot happen if you think you are the one in control.

waiting….

staring at the pieces

wondering if it still remembers

how to beat.