Sunday, August 2, 2009
Cold, broken and alone. Devastated, unsure and lost. Shivering with fear and disgust. Shredded is my heart which now lies upon the floor in unrecognizable pieces. Where do I go from here? Do I pick up the jagged edges of brokenness? Do I just walk away never to return to such a horrible representation of life? It just amazes me how far I have rambled on into this darkness which now surrounds me. Will I survive? Will there be one single soul out there with a helping of compassion big enough to see me through?
These are the questions which plagued me after a recent separation from my husband of seventeen years. Married at twenty-two to a man whom I knew had issues with life. He never really detailed me with the inner feelings he had about his past but he gave me enough to have compassion. I was going to be his savior. I was going to fix this man and mold him into the husband everyone dreamed of having. Boy was I wrong, now I stand here in silence as I watch my children revolve around the merry-go-round of life not really having a clear path to follow for their own lives.
I had a desire within me to follow the Lord with all that I am and my husband did not share this vision with me. Yes he attended church and believed in God, however he was following for the wrong reasons. The choice to take up the cross and win victory over death is ones own. I cannot make you choose God nor can your mom or dad, sister or brother, pastor or friends. The choice is between you and God and you must make the promise to follow Him one step at a time with enough faith to know He will guide your every move if you give Him the control.
What happened to my husband and I? Alcohol came first, then massive amounts of drugs and then finally a loaded 410 shotgun in my living room on my daughters fifteenth birthday. On that night God intervened for me and took control. Do you know that I could not even pick up a phone and dial 911 because I feared what my husband would do if he found out? If he knew I was the one who made the call to the police I would never hear the end of it. I then would be blamed for his being forced into recovery. So God brought me a police officer and with God’s grace I was able to spill the whole eighteen year story, freeing me from any repercussion.
I was not physically abused just mentally controlled by thoughts of an addict. I knew exactly what set my husband off into tailspins and I played the victim game very well without even really knowing the rules. I look back now and say why? How? Am I the crazy one? How have a damaged my children’s’ image of a marriage? Could I have stopped this situation a long time ago? Where was my God in all of this? Well He was right there all along waiting for me to trust. Waiting for me to finally turn to Him and give Him full rein in my husband’s life. How foolish I was to think I could do one thing in my husband’s life to change his behavior. Who would have thought that by leaving him alone would produce results? Little did I realize my husband’s addiction to me. He not only has to break free from drugs and alcohol he needs to be free from me, the one person who thought she could make him all better.
My purpose in sharing this fragment of my life is to maybe shed some needed light into someone else’s life. If there is one thing I have learned in my walk with God is that you are not alone and there are others in the same predicament who have no clue that there is a way out. I truly believe we all have a purpose here on this earth. Some are preachers of the Bible, others are worshippers and still more have a purpose specifically from God a mission if you will. Yet if we do not have a certain title we still have a purpose amongst the persons of this earth. We still have a place in His kingdom, an important part. By sharing our story and loving each other enough to do so we can change lives. I have encountered several persons since this event has happened in my life and I am able to speak truth into their lives in hopes of them grasping that fact of God moving in their lives even if they are unaware.
My husband and I have now not been together for four months. I have an order of protection which includes no texting, no phone calls, now calls at work and no physical contact. Getting the order of protection was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Up until the “day of deliverance” my husband and I had seen each other everyday for almost eighteen years. Some say that’s quite an accomplishment but looking back it was very unhealthy. Hence you can see the addiction. I made all of his appointments and held his hand through every aspect of his life. I forfeited my income for him. I gave him my everything and luckily I am not broken because of it. Yes, I went through times of despair and I miss him terribly but this is the best thing for the moment. Some think I have abandoned him and are just shocked that I could leave him in this condition. I am leaving him in God’s hands.
As for me and my teenage children we are rebuilding our lives and breaking old habits. We are handling our money better and catching up on bills. We are organizing our home to make it a place of refuge instead of a place to run from. I am seeking help from God everyday and trying to teach my children how to live life to it’s fullest. I try to stop my son from making destructive decisions and teaching my daughter the value of human lives. God is full and present in our lives and we wait and listen for His voice before we move forward. Waiting on God can seem like it takes forever, however I know He is working on our situation.
In conclusion, I would just like to take a moment to invite you to share this story with someone who may be facing similar situations. They need to know there is an end to the madness. There is hope in all circumstances and the more you say there is not an answer the farther you plunge yourself into the darkness of despair. Faith, hope and love, that’s what has gotten me through and it will continue to be my theme in life. My mother once told me sometimes if you love someone you have to let them go and it’s the best thing for them. I never believed her until now. I had to set my husband free.
Now I must lift my eyes to God and accept His direction in my life knowing His ways are higher than mine. As for my husband, he is doing what he can to readjust his life into working order. He still is believing in God and praying but until he can take care of himself and be productive as an active family member I will be forced to keep my order of protection in tact. I keep praying and placing my family in the hands of God where they belong. I know now that I am unable to change people in my life, however I can change me by accepting Gods’ direction and correction in my life.
Onward, forward and with head held high. Praying, hoping and loving. Onward with God on my side and praying for deliverance from this darkness. Praising God for all I have received in the last few months. Moving on with my family into the presence of God; giving it all to God so I can live life moment to moment instead of tragedy to disaster.
Update: January 24th, 2011
Here I am still waiting for Brian to come to know God like I have. In order for our relationship to be restored, we BOTH have to be placing God first in our lives. I am still trying hard not to have any contact with my husband, but it is very difficult. Recently he came to get his cat and sent me the message that he is just settling for what he has become. I will not make a move until God says move for I do not desire to be an enabler to anyone anymore.
I pray daily God will restore my marriage but it can not have anything to do with me at this point. I know God desires to move into Brian’s life and give him back what he had: a loving family. I fully trust God has a plan and He knows things I could never figure out on my own. I have chosen not to divorce even though it has been three months shy of two years now that we have been separated. I still love Brian and tears pour as I write this, however I just have to lay it at the feet of Jesus and trust that in my letting go, there will come peace.
Update: August 7th, 2011
Well, here I am still waiting and praying. It has now been two years and almost four months since that day of deliverance and I have done some growing in the Lord since then. I have accepted the fact that letting God move in our lives is the right choice and once again I am reminded I can do nothing apart from God, but He can certainly work through me. I am working on my book which is more therapy for me at the moment than anything else. I hope to have it finished soon as I would like to move into the realm of speaking to other people in similar situations to give them hope.
Also, I use to look at April 13th, 2009 as the worst day of my life but recent revelation showed me that it was the moment God stepped in and rescued me. It was a day that God showed up and showed mercy. It was the beginning of a recovery process for all involved. How many days can we look back at and realize they were not the worst days of our lives but the best? If God had not chosen to move into the situation that day, I would not be writing this or yearning to speak publicly about what happened. Others would lose hope because I would not be such a willing vessel for God to use. And ultimately I would still be on the same merry-go-round I was, turning in circles over and over again.
Even a year ago I was not as ready as I am right now to spread God’s hope. I am filled with joy even though looking from the window on the outside things have not changed much in my situation and my son has decided to walk away from God at this point, yet I have HOPE and Trust in God. He promised restoration and that is what will come to pass, not by my actions, but by His. God has a plan. He is in control. All we are is vessels for God to pour into so that we may pour into the lives of those around us, believers and non-believers alike. All we can do is live by example and pray people see enough God in us that they too want what we have: JOY!
Update: May 7th, 2012
We have passed the 3 year mark on our separation and I am still standing on God’s promise of provision and restoration. My daughter is graduating this year and both of my children are working with me at McDonalds. I have been promoted to the General Manager and we have a new house on the horizon. I have completed two books and am very secure in my relationship with God. I trust Him for everything and it has been wonderful just watching Him work all around me.
As for my husband, he is currently facing felony charges for breaking and entering and when most wives would be freaking out, I am secure in knowing that God is at work on my behalf. I feel restoration is right around the corner for my family. While others around me are still wondering why I have not divorced my husband, I am at peace knowing God is control and if He desires a divorce, then He will surely let me know.
As for now, I am content on being at peace and letting God be in control of everything. I have to disillusions about my future for I know my God is one of provision and operates out of love. My life is right where it needs to be and my arms are open wide in surrender. It’s a pretty great place to be!
Update: October 7th, 2012
On September 9th, I decided to file for a divorce. I wrestled with God for two days after my husband showed up drunk to my daughters open house. As I went through every angle about getting a divorce and the one thing I kept hearing from God was that He promised me the restoration of my family, not my marriage and in a quiet moment I heard God say it was over and I was released.
Now don’t get me wrong, filing for divorce was not an easy thing. It has been three years of separation and I have this desire to move on with my life in the realms of God and I feel it is time to do so. I do not support divorce and I fully believe in giving it your all, however in three years there has been no change. I know God is calling me to a higher purpose and this is just the next step in my testimony. Soon my books will be published and a better understanding will come as far as where I have come in all of this.
I wish my husband the best and I pray he soon finds God in his life. As I push forward, good things are coming my way, things I just cannot share at the moment, but soon.
Update: May 26th, 2013
Here we are 7 months after the divorce. God has been doing so many wonderful things in my life. I am now happily married to a man named John who has brought me to a place of love that I have never experienced before. God has shown us great favor wherever we go and is bringing people into our lives to bring us to that next level in Him.
This will be my last update on this particular part of the blog. I am closing the chapter on the past and moving into the place God has prepared for me to reside. My husband and I are entering into the things God has set aside for us to do. We are looking forward to our first marriage seminar in October of this year and excited to see what God has in store. As we have both faithfully followed after God in this past year, we have come to the realization that love is real and there is always hope for the hurting.
I will be continuing with the blog, however the focus will be on hope and faith. It will have a theme of restoration still but will be centered out of our marriage. God can use everyone on this earth, tis the reason we exist! There is a love flowing over our lives that often we have to tap into, yet we know it is there.
John and I are excited to share our journey with you. We feel God has entrusted something to us that needs to be shared and we follow in simple obedience the call on our lives. We pray that each person who seeks God finds favor.