Let me set the scene for this blog:
Busy day at work. Phones ringing. Orders coming in. Got behind. Having company over for dinner. Need a roasting pan for the chicken. Go to Walmart. Husband asked to have money put on our debit card. Wait in line for 20 minutes. Get home and prepare chicken. Won’t be done until 9 pm. Go to lie down before company comes over. Husband asks for the laundry to be moved from the washer to the dryer. GROAN! Just sat down. Feet hurt from 5 mile walk from day before. Contacts are dry. Slight headache from work day. HANGRY. Open lid to washer and find towels in with the regular clothes.
TICKING TIME BOMB EXPLODES AND HUSBAND IS THE NEAREST VICTIM!
How often do the most innocent persons in our lives get the brunt of our bad days? I am not sure that I have ever gone off on my husband like I did yesterday. Words I usually do not spew out were flying like missiles aimed directly at him with intent to harm. I did not care in that moment what I said I was just so angry I let everything I said become like a personal attack on an innocent bystander. I quickly apologized after I cooled down and it is a good thing my husband knows my heart enough to realize I meant nothing I said in those heated minutes of World War III happening right before his eyes. I mean today I can at least laugh about it. The look of bewilderment and surprise on his face was truly priceless, poor guy.
Well that was just a precursor to today’s volcanic eruption. I got a good night sleep and we even slept in, however, something was still off with me. I noticed my left shoulder was aching and this usually only means one thing…rejection was trying to rear it’s ugly head. I had my husband pray over me before we started our day.
Kinda wish I would have just left it alone.
After returning home from our morning coffee and a drive before hubby went off to work, I went inside to get my camera and a bite to eat. I don’t want to get into too many details but you will need a little background story to understand what happened next. We live with my 86 year old father because he is unable to live alone. He gets around okay and can still take care of himself but he can’t do laundry and upkeep on the house. Besides on the occasion when we do leave for a few days he gets fearful and something usually arises. Anyways, dad is very protective of the refrigerator for some reason (we are guessing fear of some kind) and things are not to be kept in there for very long and must be put into the smallest container possible. So for the last 5 years there has been an ongoing frustration with what and how we keep things in the frig.
When I went into the kitchen the first thing dad said from his chair in the living room was “What are you going to do with the chicken from last night?” I replied with an I don’t know at the moment, perhaps make chicken soup tomorrow. This response was not what he was hoping for and me having my own agenda for the day already planned out, this simple situation turned into World War IV. I cringe to even relive the live action warfare which conspired again. I apparently touched a live wire somewhere in my brain and again here I was spewing words (to my own father) that should never have been released from my mouth. In anger I took the chicken and threw it in the garbage dumpster outside, grabbed my purse and my camera and left.
I immediately called my husband in tears and frustration. What was happening to me? I was a wreck. Acting out of character. Using unsavory language at people I loved. Of course he reminds we prayed for God to come in and heal whatever was causing the pain in my shoulder. And then he said, “Resentment. You are dealing with resentments from your past. And maybe it has something to do with it being Mother’s Day tomorrow. I don’t know, but let Daddy to heal you.”
So with a heavy heart I started seeking God in what to do. I took my camera out and visited several of my favorite spots which is how I connect with God the best. I captured birds, turtles, flowers, geese and their babies and even a muskrat only to discover on my journey that God had me stop and ponder at a tree. A tree with a strip missing like a fresh wound. He said this pain was from a fresh wound, yet it was an old pain which had been ripped open by life’s circumstances.
He told me to keep walking there was something else He wanted to show me. On my way back to my car I used the same path so I saw things going back that I had not seen on the first time through. I stumbled upon this tree which had been abused my woodpeckers.
God started explaining to me what I was looking at. On the surface you can clearly see there has been damage and an entry way into the inner most part of the tree. On closer inspection one could see cobwebs where something else had taken up residency. Then looking even deeper you would see the wound itself was torn to shreds. The top hole appears to have no ending, yet there is a light which shines through the darkness of it.
This is what so many of us deal with day after day. We get wounded at some point in our lives and people keep attacking it, over and over and over again until we are empty inside. Then, when we allow God to tend to our brokenness He shines His light within us and begins to heal that which has hurt us for so long. The key here is allowing God in. So many times we want to fix it all on our own. We don’t want anyone’s help. We often feel that it was our fault in the first place that we are hurting. We didn’t do something right. We were not good enough at some point. We deserved the abuse.
I am still not quite sure what I am dealing with but I do feel more at peace after spending some time with the Lord today. I still am trying to process the loss of my mom two months ago today and there is a lot of pain with that wound. The tape which plays over and over again that “I am not good enough” and “I can’t do anything right” taunts me even when I try to just close my eyes and ignore it.
In conclusion, don’t you wish sometimes that life came with warning signs so we would know when to brace ourselves? Speed Bump. Road Impassable. Water May Go Over Road. Bridge Might be Icy. Dead End. No Outlet. Watch for Emergency Vehicles. Do Not Enter. One Way. Caution Pedestrians. Road Construction Next 20 Miles. Railroad Crossing. Yield. Stop. Frequent High Wind. Narrow Bridge. Pavement Ends. Deer Crossing. If only life could send us signs along the way we could prepare ourselves for what is coming up next. We could be on guard for any mishap which may happen along life’s journey. Sometimes things just come out of nowhere and we are blindsided, that is where God needs to come in and redirect our steps. We need to trust Him enough to know the road ahead of us and let Him send the Holy Spirit to give us the warning signs to keep us on track.
Dear God, Be near me today and expose that which You want to heal in me. Teach me to trust You with littlest of things to the great big ordeals. I thank You for healing me from my deepest wounds. I trust you with them. Shine Your light on my innermost being so that I may be lead in the right direction. In Jesus Name, Amen.