And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?
This is me. Who am I? I come with a long list of descriptions for my life and its’ journey so far. First I was a daughter, adopted out so then I was an adoptee. I then became a friend as I grew up. Then I was a girlfriend, fiance, wife, mother, sister, sister- in-law, daughter-in-law and aunt. At work I was an employee crew member then a shift manager, a department head and now a general manager. Now in my current status, I am a divorcee, remarried, living for Christ woman of God. I am an author of two books waiting for publication. My children are grown and well on their way to leading their own lives. Why do I share such details about my life? Because I want to show how I wasn’t always me in any of these relationships until now.
What do I mean? Well, I was always the person “bending” myself to fit into the relationship I was in. Even in early friendships I just wanted to be loved and so I would do what I could to change me so that it meshed with the friendship so they would like me. I started smoking at the age of 13 to fit in. I began drinking at 15, to fit in. I began dating a man older than myself at 15 because I wanted acceptance when I really was not even ready for love. I gave myself away at 17 because I gave in. I had several not right relationships because I was searching to be loved and accepted and instead of finding that in God, I was getting it from people.
I married my first husband at 22 because I was pregnant and I “thought” we were in love. It was a whirlwind of romance but I don’t even know what I was in love with. He was a drinker but I thought I could fix that problem. I got pregnant just a few months after I met him and even though I did not feel obligated at that point to marry him, I knew it was the right thing to do. After marriage it was a long 20 year road of NOT being myself. I submitted my life to taking care of my kids and my husband and pretending everything was okay. I was not free to be me and it hindered everything God had created me to become. I stopped writing. I stopped attending church. I stopped having friendships. I was just running around in circles trying to have a life when there was no life left in me.
So what happened? God stepped in and reached down into my pit on April 13th, 2009 and pulled me from my despair and reset my “Me” button. During a 3 year separation from my husband I learned all about me. I saw what God saw in me. I began to embrace who I was created to be. I was finally on the right path and headed for my destiny. I was writing again. I was teaching my children the things of God. I was desperately seeking God first instead of people. In three years God gave Me back to me. Now I am content to be myself and I have a man in my life now who accepts me and all of my flaws. I know that I can share my true feelings with my husband now and not feel as though I have to “bend” to fit into his perspective of the “perfect wife”.
Now I can freely dance. I can sing out loud. I laugh. I am finally able to be me without any restrictions. How is this possible you ask? Because I am seeking God first and not the approval of man. That is how simple it really is. Go to the One who knows you best, your Creator, and allow Him to show you just who you are. I have never been happier and life is so much easier when you don’t have to keep up with the lies that everything is okay. I love God and therefore I now love my life. I look forward to the coming years. I can’t wait to publish the books. I can’t wait to see what God does in this new marriage. I eagerly await the next move of God in me.