Shakin’ the Duck

Psalm 33:22
Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.

I am sure you have heard of ruffling some feathers, well, in a moment I will be shakin’ the whole duck!  I want to express how I feel about relationships and marriage and in the process, be blunt and to the extended point.  It possibly goes all the way back to Adam and Eve but since I am not from that part of time, I can only speculate and I want to be accurate.  I have no desire to rock anyone’s’ boat or attack anyone’s relationship and most of all, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…HOWEVER… this is something which has been bothering since my last blog.  My heart is burdened and I have been wrestling with sharing it or not, and I decided this fire is going to spread one way or another and I might as well get it out of my chest.

Boy meets girl.  Fairytale wedding.  Successful marriage.  Two kids, one boy, one girl and a dog.  Managing a household.  Holding down jobs and juggling the children.  Typical today family situation, completely visible to the world, but what are we not seeing?  We see the “perfect “couples living out their lives in complete bliss.  They seem to have a handle on everything they are managing in their little marriage bubble.  What if we popped that bubble?  Would we see what was really under that wedding veil?   Of course, couples have issues and that is just part of the process of learning to live with another person in such close quarters.  Let’s take my life for example, to the outside world I was married with two kids and I had everything under control.  My kids participated in all the normal activities and my husband and I made it look like we were living out the family life just like everybody else.  Meanwhile, under the veil things were not so swell.

As my husband suffered from his drug addiction, I was trying to keep us a float.  As we scrambled to keep things running smoothly, we were running out of money for things and I had to cut back on so many things.  As my family began slipping under the radar of society, no one really understood what was going on.  My kids were suffering but they did not know any different.  There are so many things I feel my children missed out on while I thought the rest of the world was all honky dorrie!  I thought I was the only family experiencing difficulties until I began to hear of more and more families losing their homes or jobs or ending up in divorce.  My eyes were opened for a brief moment to see that things were not perfect in other families either.  Yes I may have had the added drug addict in my equation, but how many others had “problems” brewing under the surface that I did not see?

After I wrote the last blog about being separated and not needing a man in my life, I chatted with a few people and the one thing which really had me perplexed is that women in my same situation are trying to figure out how to fix their marriages and win back their husbands.  Um, What?  I would love to restore my marriage and have our family reunited again to have a second go at a real marriage, however, I know that I cannot “fix” my husband and surely I do not want to win back a man who has not come to the realization that he needs help.  Why would anyone want to win back a man who just wants to come back home so we can take care of him in the ways only God can?

When God separated my husband and I, it was for a reason, He wanted us to learn how to take care of ourselves, seek Him and then He can start the process of us rekindling our marriage.  If we were to get right back together with the promise of fixing who we were, we shortly would have set aside all of the things that had happened and just pick up where we left off and end up right back in the same dead end.  When this life is over we will be facing God on our own.  Our spouses will not be next to us telling God all the good, bad and ugly of our lives, it will just be us and God.  So, what this speaks to me is:  We need to build the relationship with God first and then our marriage relationship will just fall into place as God ordained it to be.  When we as individuals begin to seek God first in our lives we become “fixed” by God and He can start to use us for His purposes.  When two people try to “fix” themselves it usually ends up in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship where one cannot function without the other.  The same co-dependent relationship happens with God, however, it is a stable, healthy relationship built upon trust and love and it teaches us to seek Him more because we are so filled with peace.  Isn’t that what we all need in our lives?

I hope I did not ruffle too many feathers or shake the duck too hard, but I just don’t understand why we stay in such dysfunctional relationships sometimes.  I know in my situation, I was blinded by the “no divorce” rule that I did not even think I could allow myself to be separated for awhile until we both could heal.  I knew divorce was not an option for us, yet I used it as a trap to live in a very unhealthy situation for both of us.  By staying together I was enabling my husband to be an addict.  He knew I would never leave him and I felt trapped by trying to make him happy even if it meant getting him his next “fix” from somewhere.  Yes, I want my husband back.  I miss him and I love him dearly, however, until he can function on his own and chooses God first in his life, we will never have a healthy relationship.  I cannot be responsible for his relationship with God that is for him to discover.  And on the same note, I cannot compromise my happiness just so we can be together right now.  I know some say I have abandoned him in worst part of his life, and yeah, I feel that way sometimes too.  Yet, I know we would not make it very far.  Even with couples counseling, things would just not be repaired the right way if we weren’t following God with the desire to be equally yoked.

I pray for eyes to be opened like mine were.  No one lives the perfect life and no one has got this marriage thing completely under control.  There are hardships and some call for a time of being separated and one should embrace that season in their lives to grow closer to God, the One who wants you for exactly who you are.  I hope you can see how we try to live up to the Jones’ status when we really don’t even have a clue what they are actually going through.  We need to return our focus to living holy lives acceptable to God and within that process we will learn how to co-exist without our mates better than ever before.  I accept that I am not perfect and I know I am just as broken as anyone else, I am only human.  I also know my husband is hurting and I truly would love to go running to his side and “fix” his brokenness, but I know that is not reality living.  I have traveled down that road before and I know how dark it can get.


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13 thoughts on “Shakin’ the Duck”

  1. Very well put & oh so true! Seek Him first… everything else will be added!!! He has to be first… so many, when married, get their focus on spouse first… Will keep you and your husband in my prayers! God is able!!!

    1. Marriage is an icon of the Trinity. Christianity is a fiamly, not a slave-master relationship. And God is His own fiamly in the Trinity. Marriage was designed by God to point to the reality of the Trinity. When people see a committed, fruitful marriage, they see a glimpse of the Kingdom. When God created Man and Woman, he did that on purpose. Our bodies actually are a testament to our place in the universe, and it’s obvious (chuckle chuckle) that they go together, and and that only when they do go together that nine-months later there might be a new icon of the Trinity or fiamly formed from that union. (Theology of the Body). This is why it’s so important for marriage not to be made fun of or taken lightly. It is an icon of the Trinity. (And without solid belief in the Trinity, we fall into heresy.)

  2. Good word, sister! As a former counselor for a mental health agency, with clients who were dually diagnosed (having both addictions and a mental health diagnosis of some sort) I can say with confidence, that you have an extremely healthy attitude here. There is a time for tough love, a time when separation is the only way that either of you can heal your co-dependent behaviors that are not good. Recognition of that, and looking to the Lord for your own peace and mental stability is the right path where you will SEE THE LIGHT ahead for your own life…regardless of what your spouse does. Stick to your convictions girl, and know I am here for you as your sister in Christ, and forever friend! Your blog, continues to be full of wisdom worth sharing!!!! I am so proud of you for sharing what is on your heart straight forwardly and don’t let anyone bring you down. If the duck’s feathers get plucked off, it’s still going to be worth it, when you stand FREE before the Lord! His mercy and grace will be there to embrace and pick you up, by the way, and He will be glad to wipe away any tears that remain. So don’t have any fears from the condemnation others would place on you! Keep this in mind…”There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us.” I John 4:18 & 19

    1. Thanks for bringing tears to my eyes! I feel as though more of us abused (mentally or physically) women/men need to set a higher bar for society and send the message that yes we are broken as well as the persons who hurt us and we need to rise above and stick to our guns. God as a planned out purpose for all of us and trouble comes when we try to do our own thing apart from Him. It’s time to get back to God (whew! feeling the blog for later..lol)! Be Blessed!

  3. Well Brenda you haven’t ruffled my feathers.I certainly can see why you chose to” have your time of healing” Even if you were willing to put up with it, the kids must be placed before him.You are so right God must be number #1 ,and it seems like you were enabling him to stay addicted.That had to be very hard for you to make the decision to let him go. I am sure many times you wondered if you did the right thing. He has to either choose God and Family over his addictions. I will pray all goes well for you all. Most of all that God’s Will be done. ~Hugs~

    1. Thank you Sandy. Yes it has been a long road but in the end, it will be so worth it. As it took me three years to write the book I am about to publish, I healed in the process. I wrote the book to help others but in turn God used it on me first. Thank you for your prayers and I am assured God’s plan is an awesome one! Be Blessed!

  4. As usual here i am for my five cents worth!! Everytime i read your blog i marvel at so many similarities. I was headed down that same dark road a few years ago. Yet on the outside the picture looked perfect. Thank goodness God poured a bucket of cold water over my head and opened my eyes to the reality of my situation. Just in time. Two very close friends were removed from my life, but they had been my crutches. I lamented loudly to God, why had he taken the “only people who understood” away from me??? Then i realised….i was turning to friends, and the church for help every five minutes and was getting all the sympathy i wanted to hear.crying and feeling sorry for myself and having people rush to pray for me felt good at the time. But didnt help when i got home! Where was i putting God? Certainly not first! It was only when i did start putting him first that things started changing. My relationship with Him was so lacking and i was very far away from His love and guidance. Things are not yet perfect…but as I grow closer to Him im starting to see His plans and purpose for my life and my marriagemore clearly. God bless you Brenda for being so obedient!!! You are a true inspiration x x x

  5. Argh, I just hate that you have to wait for him to decide what he wants to do. Brenda, I do not know WHY i am so aggravated by this. I know I should have sympathy for your husband but I cannot understand your level of patience for a man who seems so confused and does not put his marriage first. On one hand, you have a wife who is waiting, and waiting, and waiting with love and good thoughts, whereas a husband is so remote and he’s just doing this thing. O_o

  6. I totally understand your frustration because before God taught me a week ago, I needed to have compassion for this man like I never have had before. I know it has been almost 3 years, yet it does not seem like that long of a time. In God’s plan,there is no timeline and we as humans cannot understand these things or see the meaning behind. Good things come to those who wait on the Lord and I full know this to be true. What if my husband and I end end up being set apart as an example for the world because we waited on God and did as He asked? I also cannot pretend to be my husbands thoughts. What if he is so broken, his thinking is not right? He may not even know how to act and is in a place where he is afraid to ask for help. I just know in my heart that I love him and I pray he still is in love with me, I just pray he figures out his next step before God decides to step in again. Love ya!

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