Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.
I am sure you have heard of ruffling some feathers, well, in a moment I will be shakin’ the whole duck! I want to express how I feel about relationships and marriage and in the process, be blunt and to the extended point. It possibly goes all the way back to Adam and Eve but since I am not from that part of time, I can only speculate and I want to be accurate. I have no desire to rock anyone’s’ boat or attack anyone’s relationship and most of all, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…HOWEVER… this is something which has been bothering since my last blog. My heart is burdened and I have been wrestling with sharing it or not, and I decided this fire is going to spread one way or another and I might as well get it out of my chest.
Boy meets girl. Fairytale wedding. Successful marriage. Two kids, one boy, one girl and a dog. Managing a household. Holding down jobs and juggling the children. Typical today family situation, completely visible to the world, but what are we not seeing? We see the “perfect “couples living out their lives in complete bliss. They seem to have a handle on everything they are managing in their little marriage bubble. What if we popped that bubble? Would we see what was really under that wedding veil? Of course, couples have issues and that is just part of the process of learning to live with another person in such close quarters. Let’s take my life for example, to the outside world I was married with two kids and I had everything under control. My kids participated in all the normal activities and my husband and I made it look like we were living out the family life just like everybody else. Meanwhile, under the veil things were not so swell.
As my husband suffered from his drug addiction, I was trying to keep us a float. As we scrambled to keep things running smoothly, we were running out of money for things and I had to cut back on so many things. As my family began slipping under the radar of society, no one really understood what was going on. My kids were suffering but they did not know any different. There are so many things I feel my children missed out on while I thought the rest of the world was all honky dorrie! I thought I was the only family experiencing difficulties until I began to hear of more and more families losing their homes or jobs or ending up in divorce. My eyes were opened for a brief moment to see that things were not perfect in other families either. Yes I may have had the added drug addict in my equation, but how many others had “problems” brewing under the surface that I did not see?
After I wrote the last blog about being separated and not needing a man in my life, I chatted with a few people and the one thing which really had me perplexed is that women in my same situation are trying to figure out how to fix their marriages and win back their husbands. Um, What? I would love to restore my marriage and have our family reunited again to have a second go at a real marriage, however, I know that I cannot “fix” my husband and surely I do not want to win back a man who has not come to the realization that he needs help. Why would anyone want to win back a man who just wants to come back home so we can take care of him in the ways only God can?
When God separated my husband and I, it was for a reason, He wanted us to learn how to take care of ourselves, seek Him and then He can start the process of us rekindling our marriage. If we were to get right back together with the promise of fixing who we were, we shortly would have set aside all of the things that had happened and just pick up where we left off and end up right back in the same dead end. When this life is over we will be facing God on our own. Our spouses will not be next to us telling God all the good, bad and ugly of our lives, it will just be us and God. So, what this speaks to me is: We need to build the relationship with God first and then our marriage relationship will just fall into place as God ordained it to be. When we as individuals begin to seek God first in our lives we become “fixed” by God and He can start to use us for His purposes. When two people try to “fix” themselves it usually ends up in a co-dependent and unhealthy relationship where one cannot function without the other. The same co-dependent relationship happens with God, however, it is a stable, healthy relationship built upon trust and love and it teaches us to seek Him more because we are so filled with peace. Isn’t that what we all need in our lives?
I hope I did not ruffle too many feathers or shake the duck too hard, but I just don’t understand why we stay in such dysfunctional relationships sometimes. I know in my situation, I was blinded by the “no divorce” rule that I did not even think I could allow myself to be separated for awhile until we both could heal. I knew divorce was not an option for us, yet I used it as a trap to live in a very unhealthy situation for both of us. By staying together I was enabling my husband to be an addict. He knew I would never leave him and I felt trapped by trying to make him happy even if it meant getting him his next “fix” from somewhere. Yes, I want my husband back. I miss him and I love him dearly, however, until he can function on his own and chooses God first in his life, we will never have a healthy relationship. I cannot be responsible for his relationship with God that is for him to discover. And on the same note, I cannot compromise my happiness just so we can be together right now. I know some say I have abandoned him in worst part of his life, and yeah, I feel that way sometimes too. Yet, I know we would not make it very far. Even with couples counseling, things would just not be repaired the right way if we weren’t following God with the desire to be equally yoked.
I pray for eyes to be opened like mine were. No one lives the perfect life and no one has got this marriage thing completely under control. There are hardships and some call for a time of being separated and one should embrace that season in their lives to grow closer to God, the One who wants you for exactly who you are. I hope you can see how we try to live up to the Jones’ status when we really don’t even have a clue what they are actually going through. We need to return our focus to living holy lives acceptable to God and within that process we will learn how to co-exist without our mates better than ever before. I accept that I am not perfect and I know I am just as broken as anyone else, I am only human. I also know my husband is hurting and I truly would love to go running to his side and “fix” his brokenness, but I know that is not reality living. I have traveled down that road before and I know how dark it can get.