Until God Says So

Hebrews 13:4
Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

Until death do us part.  To love and to cherish.  To honor and take care of.  Divorce is not an option.  Let no man put asunder.  Vows. Vows. Vows.  Does anyone really pay attention to one of the most important parts of wedding ceremony?  Do the words really have any meaning anymore?  Does anyone even seem to understand the reality of getting married? By the numbers on the divorce rating sheets, I would say not.  I may seem a little bitter as I write this blog, however, it has just happened to me personally one to many times in the recent past.  If you all have read my Day of Deliverance story, then you know where I am standing in my marriage.  I am waiting for my husband to heal and to become whole again.  I have not abandoned him as some have said, I just know I am an enabler and with me in the picture at this moment, nothing will be truly healed in him.

On June 6th, 1992 I married a man I had planned to spend the rest of my life with.  I distinctly remember as we were writing our own vows out that the pastor came to me and ask if I could rewrite my vows to include something about God.  Do you know I forgot?  He had to “ad-lib” God into my vows as we were standing at the altar.  I guess I was so wrapped up in too many other things to realize God needed to be the center of our marriage, not the dress or bridesmaids, reception or flowers or how many people would attend.  As I stood at the altar with my new husband and my 4 month old son lighting the unity candle, I have to admit God was probably the furthest thing from my mind.  I was not any where near to God as I am now and it makes me a little bit sad to write that.

As the months turned into years of turmoil, my marriage really had no meaning.  Our relationship had become nothing but  yelling and screaming matches and a fight for daily survival.  There was no love at the end.  No desire to even make amends at some points.  I was so tired of being the stable one in the relationship by working full time and taking care of the kids, there was no time left to actually be in love.  My marriage was gone, yet I did not feel compelled to seek a divorce.  Then, after the suicide attempt and the separation, I still had no desire to file for a divorce.  And here I am almost three years later, still standing by my husband’s and I choice not to divorce.  God dislikes divorce and I am choosing to do everything in my will power to make this marriage work.  After all, somewhere in that man over there is the person I fell in love with and I am so in love I am willing to wait it out.  My husband is broken and God is the only one who can fix the things that hurt.

Now before everyone gets in an uproar, I know there are certain circumstances which lead couples to end their love lives in divorce.  I am not saying that staying together is the answer for everyone, but I certainly feel as though God needs to be a HUGE part of that decision.  I am still waiting for my husband to heal and unless God tells me in some HUGE way to file for divorce, I intend to stay right here.  Now, to further this statement, I am remaining faithful to my husband. Why?  We are not separated to “explore other options”.  We are not “free to date” other people.  We are in a period of healing.  Why can the world not see that?

I know there are others who live in different countries who have because of their cultures feel it is okay to have multiply relationships and I get that, however, when a girl says no, she means no.  I am content as I am right now.  I do not need a man in my life to make me happy.  I too am in a healing process and need this time of separation to get myself back on the right path.  I am married to Jesus at the moment and He will take care of all my needs until God leads my husband and I back together.  I am standing my ground and the ideals of this world will not draw me into their schemes.  I have been faithful to my husband from the day I married him and I have no plans to change that status in my life.

So, in conclusion, yes my status says I am separated.  I am still married to my husband of 20 years and until God says so, this will remain true.  I do not desire a relationship with anyone, mine is complicated enough.  I have enough things going on in my life such as trying to publish a book, keep up with my kids, work full time in a restaurant as a manager and trying to get my Mary Kay business off the ground.  God stepped in almost three years ago and separated my husband and I so that we could both have a time of healing, who am I to say what we should do?  If God dislikes divorce, I assure you He has everything under control and I am willing to wait for as long as it takes. I am willing to wait for restoration.

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15 thoughts on “Until God Says So”

  1. Bravo, Bravo, Bravo! My Husband and I went through a very rough period.He wanted to leave at first and then me to leave. I stood my ground through it all, and I give all the glory to God who was there for me even when I wanted to give up. You have courage and a great faith in God.He will see you through.No matter what the end result is you are doing what God intended you to do.Will be praying for you and your Hubby! God Bless you Dear! ~ Big Hugs~

  2. Marriage has really fallen off the golden platter for the past 20 to 30 years at least. Most marriages don’t even last five years. People rush into it who think they are in love, don’t give themselves the chance to get to know that person to the fullest, they go down the aisle with unresolved issues that should have been resolved earlier. In my opinion, marriage is a huge joke nowadays. It has just been misused, a waste of people’s time, and it has fallen down the drain. Marriage is so degraded that I have ran into people who say they don’t see the point of it, that having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is enough. But in my opinion there is nothing official about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I see that kind of relationship as more of a trial, to see if this person is really compatible with you or not and if they are a perfect match, why not take the ultimate step to truly make it official? When people avoid marriages but would like to settle for boyfriend/girlfriend, it kind of tells me that they may not have enough faith for their relationship or that they don’t anticipate the relationship to last long enough for marriage to be the end result.

    I would not pity yourself as much about not including God in your marriage during the ceremony. Marriage is seen as a feminine thing becuase it’s all about the gown and getting your friends and relatives to be a part of the ceremony. You have to worry about decorations, what people are going to eat, how big the cake is or what kind it is. What kind of hairstyle you’ll have. I mean seriously! It’s A LOT to think about and women get VERY excited around times like these. But I see the point you were bringing up about God being absent at that time.

    I applaud you for being so strong and brave enough to share this. But I have my doubts. I just feel like this is so unfair, especially to just one of the partners who seems to be the fighter whereas the other just seems so distant with a lazy hand. Marriage is all about being a team, but I guess it’s also about compromising and making sacrifices. But it shouldn’t have to extend to the point where it’s leaving one partner to stand there and wait for the other to come back. It’s like putting your life on hold for something that may not be promised. He’s either your husband or he’s not and he should act like it, just as you should act like his wife. I know marriages are not always on a straight line, but something is really wrong if the spouses are just not seeing eye to eye. I don’t know.

    If I were to be in a marriage where my husband is not giving his all and all we do is fight and he never helps around the house, I would like to think that we both deserve so much better than that and that I or he can just leave. Yes, God does not like separation, But I don’t think he would want me to continuously suffer with a partner who is not respecting me or loving me in the way that he should or causing me stress (which is a health issue). I don’t think I would ever have the patience.

    I guess we’re just so different. I’ve seen women who have been hurt in marriages who continue to stay, stay and stay and I never understood why. I guess that’s why I’m so bitter against this subject. But You seem to be a very smart person. Maybe you can get me to change my mind! :p

  3. lol..You will have to read my book, maybe that will change your mind! My husband is hurting right now and I want nothing more than to go over there and fix him, but I just know I cannot do that. His addictions are what ruined this marriage. He was good at helping raise the kids, working and doing things around the house until his drug addiction got the best of him. Here again Satan was up to no good, he knew where this marriage was headed so he enticed my husband. I married my husband, knowing he was an addict and I was going to change him into every womans dream of a husband….this I now know to be an untruth but I was young and needed love!

  4. I tried… but mine chose his old lifestyle, meth & a woman to do the drugs with… It was the hardest thing I ever did because I know how God feels about divorce & God was in this marriage… but the enemy hated us! We were strong together… Had a preacher friend ask me, on the day I was to go to court… “Have you broken covenant with him?” No, was the answer. “Has he broken covenant with you?” And to that, it was yes. So, I set him free… He chose to leave & I kept the peace the Lord wanted me to keep. I am still grieving the death of this marriage, but hoping the Lord will bring healing to my heart. Not sure than I will ever be able to trust as I did…

    God bless you as you follow His leading!!!

    1. I know sometimes it doesn’t work. I know this to be true in my heart and I told my Husband if he committed adultery during our marital difficulties it was over, and as much as I was committed to our marriage that would have been the end.I pray you find the peace you need to trust again.I do have to say I have not found that place yet. The ugly past creeps up too many times than I like to admit.I will pray for the peace and trust you need to find through Christ Our Lord.I would also appreciate it if you would do the same for me!God Bless you as well!

      1. Thanks so much for raneidg and sharing your story. I have come to realize that everyone has a story and it seems that everyone is waiting on God for something in their life. Hang in there never give up on Him! That has been the most difficult part for me to grasp about God His Timing . I know it is always perfect as God is never a day early and never a day late. But sometimes the waiting is just so difficult for us understand. When my husband walked out and left me with three teenagers, I didn’t think I would make it through the week. I would cry out to God, Let today be the day that was over 2 years ago. While I am still crying out to God, it is different today. God has allowed me to feel such peace and joy that I would not have found if I didn’t have to wait. God allowed my journey and difficulties to get so much worse so I could offer encouragement to others by saying I understand I have been there and truly be able to mean it! God has brought me to a place of contentment in all my difficult circumstances even though many of my prayers are not yet answered. I would not be the trusting person of faith that I am today, if I didn’t have to wait. I admire you for still trusting God for your prayers to be answered even after years of waiting just never, ever give up on your God! He is faithful just enjoy the journey with Him along the way and thank Him for each day of life he chooses to give you. Keeping you in my prayers!

    2. I am sorry for the way things ended up but it sounds like God was with you. He does not desire us to divorce but when the other person is unwilling to follow in faith then it is the final answer. I am ready if I have to, to grieve this marriage but I have not given up hope just yet! Love you…hugs!

  5. Hi Brenda, Your a beloved child of God, and your right most people don’t care about the promises made to each other. When you both go up to the alter to get married. Your not promising those vows to each other. Your promising God because your on Holy Ground, and God almighty is there in front of you. The Minister does not marry anyone. Your marriage is to each other in front of God to love each other forever. Ask God to heal your heart, and repair that hurt. If your husband walked in the door this moment. What would be your re-action. Your re-act should be not to yell at him, or question him. All must be forgiven. God is Love, and we must as children of God always show love. REAL LOVE! Will you take him as he is? or will only accept if he confessed to be a Christian? The Lord stated “Come as you are” but this comes with hardship. Alot of hardship, and adjusting to a . Marriage is adjusting to each other, and to fit in this world. AS we older we mature, and we change, and we must keep adjusting. Marriage is much like two horses pulling a cart. Both have to pull together. If one horse sits the other stops, or one wants to go right, and the other left the cart stops, and may break in two. Each much pull his own weight to even the load. How do you know he has not found someone else? Perhaps this was behind so many fights as men made excuses to leave the house, and don’t have enough guts to tell the other the truth .Do you where he is? and what is he doing? How do you know if it was a mistake to marry that person? If you did not know God. You did not have real love in your heart like you do now. We have a few women in our church which have a alcoholic, or non-believer living with them, and live is a hardship as often the woman must even fight to go to church. Can you put up with this. There may be no peace at home as you have now. Your doing the right thing by praying for him, and ask other to help you pray for his salvation. I have 49 years married, and it was easy for my wife because 18 years of drinking. You have to work to keep a good marriage, and keep working at it. We both do marriage counseling, and we both Lic. Drug Counselors by the State of California. God Bless you. You have my personal Email if want to be more personal.. The Rev.

  6. Thank you for your response. I know where he resides at the moment and he is just not ready to change or work at becoming the person God is calling him to be. If he walked in the door right now (without trying to push his way in as he has done twice) and asked for forgiveness I would tell him I already have. Then I would ask him these 3 questions which are the boundaries I have set for myself 1. Do you follow God first in your life? 2. Are you sustaining a job as a means of support? 3. Can you prove to me you are free of drugs and doing what it takes to stay sober? Without those three things in place, I can not allow him to be full force in my life. As also I am an enabler by nature, I cannot allow myself to be placed back in that capacity where I hold his hand and lead him to God and such. He has to choose at some point to want to make this marriage work and it has to be at an equally yoked capacity for sure. I love this man and I am beyond the forgiveness. I am working on my bitterness when certain situation arise so that I can get closer to being a whole person with an open perspective when the time for us to be reunited comes. For now, I am content to let Jesus be my husband and I continue to pray.

  7. I have a fenird who almost died at her former husband’s hands. I would never condemn her for leaving him. I think she did the best thing in the situation. What bothers me about the book is the one size fits all perspective. What we need is that personal relationship with our Messiah, our Shepherd and hear His voice to us and obey it. He speaks individually to His children, His sheep and His Word is NOT one size fits all. I know that I heard my Father when He told me that my first husband had just lost all the treasures that He had given him (meaning me, his children and his home). If I had just accepted what he was doing, I would have been opposing what my Father was doing. That is why it is so important to hear from Him.My husband has been posting a really good study on the subject of divorce and remarriage done by a woman who has been married to her husband for all her life since a young woman(and she is in her 80 s now). It is excellent and that is why he is spending the time typing it all for others to read. It is full of our Father’s grace and mercy. I’m not so sure that I would want Debi’s god the way she portrays him, I’m still trying to decide if it is the same G-d that I know.Love and shalom,Serena

  8. Hi, tnahks for sharing your story I have been going through a LOT my self.. am not yet married but desperately waiting or God to send the right person to my life and I have been waiting on God for many things (like healing for a skin disease(es) for 20 yrs and the list goes on).. just when I think things can’t get any worse in my life they always do there were times when I was so mad at God I was screaming my lungs out at Him saying Why can’t u do anything for me? if u say U love me so much (unconditionally) why just why can’t you do anything you who created me who created the whole universe?’ I know God can but I didn’t know If He wold do it for me & my family.. I have received so many promises on what and what He is planning to do in my life and how he is going to bless me but year after year passes me by and nothing happens but now I’m beginning to realize why He was doing that, why he kept silent during all those times He wanted my attention, my full attention and He is teaching me many things.. am still in the storm but I know God is with me and He is helping me I know He loves me so much and no devil in hell is gonna tell me otherwise! I know that He will come through for me and one day He will use that pain, that suffering the ocean of tears i cried to bring glory to Him self!Thanks for sharing your story cause it helped me to realize that i’m not in this thing alone, there are other people who are hurting and waiting on God and who are going through similar experiences like me. I know God is faithful and He will do all that he promised in all of us!Love- Jev from Sri Lanka.

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